Spongebob and Patrick Do Blockbuster
by SPDB
Summary: The first episode of spongebob and patrick do blockbuster
1. PatrickDies

Spongebob Patrick Do Blockbuster; A Spongebob Story: Patrick Dies

(Patrick sleeping in his bed. He wakes up to his alarm clock and does his morning routine. the song fat lip by sum 41 plays as he gets ready )

Patrick: (looking at his closet) hmmm I'll rock the Hawaiian shorts today

(He puts on his shorts and walks outside to meet up with spongebob)

Spongebob: sup Patrick

Patrick: hey

Spongebob: I drove to work like everyday this week could you drive

Patrick: ugh fine sure

Spongebob: what the hell just drive without attitude

Patrick: back off. I said I would I just happened to scoff

Spongebob: okay whatever

(They go to Patrick's Car. Fat lip continues to play as they drive)

Patrick: I totally wasn't feeling work today. Today's a take Xanax and chill out kinda day

Spongebob: at least it's Wednesday. Best day of the week for blockbuster imo

Patrick: whatever. As long as Benjamin is there it sucks. Just like life

Spongebob: what the hell is going on Patrick?

Patrick: (puts a cassette in his car) in this car, we listen to Bush

(Bush plays on the rest of the drive)

(Benjamin at blockbuster in the break room doing unimportant stuff)

Benjamin: ahhh I love being stuck up

(Patrick and spongebob talking as they walk into the store)

Patrick: I'm gonna pull such a funny prank on Benjamin

Spongebob: what are you gonna do ?

Patrick: I'm gonna throw this rat I found in the dumpster into the room to recreate the time he got a rat bite and foamed from the mouth

Spongebob: that's a dick move, pat

Chris; yeah Patrick. Like we all hate Benjamin but like

Patrick: whatever, I need a thrill

(He goes to the break room and throws the rat at Benjamin's face)

Benjamin:(screams at a high pitch while he attempts to get the rat off of him)

Patrick: haha what a stupid asshole

(The crew approaches him)

Shadow: Patrick what the fuck?

Patrick: what?

Spongebob: why are you being such a prick?

Patrick: like hop off my dick, I don't need this shit. Let me fucking live

Amanda: Jesus Christ what the hell

Patrick: sorry. Let's just hang

(They're all out back getting ready to smoke)

Chris: my dealer really hooked it up, yo. Got an eighth for 10.

Amanda: what the fuck how?

Chris: it was from a favor I did for him back when we spent a summer In Guatemala. You remember that I came back and I was like "holy crap Guatemala literally changed my life"

Shadow: how could we forget?

Spongebob: yo Patrick pass me your grinder

(He passes spongebob the grinder)

Spongebob: yo could we use some of this left over nug from the keef catcher

Patrick: I mean like I'm saving that ya know

Spongebob: Patrick that's not even a bowl pack. It'll be more beneficial now

Patrick: ugh fine whatever. (Patrick lights a cigarette)

Shadow: oh shit. I know I am against Marlboro reds but can I grab one of those? I left my pack at home

Patrick: ugh fine I guess

Shadow: dude you literally bought that pack this morning and I've given you several cigarettes. Several

Patrick: oh yeah your American shits are sooo great

Shadow: whatever man. Thanks for the fucking ciggie

Patrick: (torches the blunt) oh yeah getting stoned at blockbuster

Shadow: yesterday me and sea green went to cvs and inside I saw Squidward crying. He looked like he was coked up

Spongebob: literally the worst neighbor you can ever ask for. He's so annoying and I hate how he's rich now. I miss seeing him struggle at the Krusty Krab. Remember when we went there for lunch everyday sophomore year and heckled the fuck out of him?

(A cutaway to spongebob, Chris and Patrick at the Krusty Krab talking to Squidward)

Spongebob: hey Squidward, is that your nose or your dick? Wait, that's too big to be your dick

Patrick: haha you suck

Jim:(laughs)

Squidward: jim what the fuck?

Jim: sorry it was funny

(Back to the sesh)

Chris: yeah, that was fun

Patrick:(still cheefin on the blunt) this is good ass weed, bro

Amanda: Patrick, what the fuck the blunt is half done

Patrick: we did put my weed in it just saying

Shadow: okay, like 98% of it was Chris's weed. Why are you being such a dick

Patrick: fuck this, I don't need this shit

(He goes into blockbuster)

Patrick:(as we walks through Benjamin is passed out on the floor crying while foam spills through his mouth) fuck you, Benjamin

(He walks to his car and plays his Bush cd)

Patrick: (lights a cigarette) those guys need to hop off my dick

(A shot of him jamming out to machinehead as he smokes his cigarette)

(Back to the sesh)

Amanda: Patrick is always kind of a dick, but this is ridiculous

Shadow: yeah what the fuck?

Spongebob: I'll tell you one thing, we shouldn't invite him to my house later

Shadow: he's too close to you, my house has to be the location

(The shift is reaching the end)

Patrick: yo what's the After work mood?

Shadow: I'm tired

Amanda: I have hockey

Chris: I have to help David clean the study

Spongebob: I'm tryna just relax

Patrick: okay whatever

(Later at shadows house)

Spongebob: hopefully Patrick doesn't see my car is gone

Amanda: hopefully he doesn't drive around for no reason

(Patrick walking outside his house)

Patrick: huh spongebobs Car isn't here. I thought he was trying to relax

(Patrick gets into his car. He drives as daddy by Korn plays)

Patrick: (drives by Chris's house. ) huh he's not home either

(David walks out)

David: Patrick what are you doing here?

Patrick: did Chris help you clean the study?

David: no why?

(Patrick drives away)

Patrick: (He goes passed shadows house)...(he sees everyone's car) oh I see how it is. Whatever. I don't fucking need those assholes. (He rolls a blunt and Sparks it up in his car) fuck it, I guess I'm gonna take a drive down to the West bikini bottom deli to get a Reuben on rye

(He smokes his weed as he sings along to korn)

Patrick: Why are you at home

Buried in your self-pity?

Why do you insist on

Living the life clean out of me? (Jams to korn)

(A shot of his speed thing and it shows he's driving 117 miles)

(A police car pulls up on him)

Patrick: oh shit, I better finish this blunt fast (he cheefs hard as he gets pulled over)

(The cop approaches him and he rolls down his window)

Cop: have you been smoking weed

Patrick:...yes

Cop: step out of the car

Patrick: no. I'm sorry, I'm really good at driving stoned

Cop: get out of the car, sir

Patrick: no (he turns up his radio and jams to korn)

Cop: (physically removes Patrick from the car)

Patrick: noo get your hands off me pig!

Other cop: (finds a huge bag of weed in the car) you just had to drive Stoned

Patrick: hey watch it, asshole. I was just trying to get a Reuben on rye from the West bikini bottom deli

Cop: well you're spending a night in jail

Patrick: fuckkkkkkkk

(The episode fades out to understanding by candelbox)


	2. PatrickGoesCrazy

Spongebob Patrick Do Blockbuster; A Spongebob Story: Patrick Goes Bananas

(The crew all at the store)

Shadow: spongebob, did you see Patrick this morning?

Spongebob: nah, he wasn't outside when I left this morning.

Amanda: who knows what happened to him

(Patrick walks into the store)

Patrick: holy shit guys last night was fucking wild

Chris: what occurred ?

Patrick: well, after driving past your house yesterday, David told me some interesting news and then I drive past shadows house and guess fucking what? Yeah, you all know

Amanda: sorry you were being a dick

Spongebob: so what the fuck happened?

Patrick: all right, so I roll a blunt in My car, blast the fuck out of korns self titled and L ride to West bikini bottom deli, ya know like I've been doing since I was 15. So I'm doing like 117 or some shit and a cop pulls me over. At this point, I know I'm fucked, so I might as well just smoke as much of the blunt as I can before I get fucked lol. So I take a few huge hits and the cop approached my window and I open it and after a cloud of smoke tingles his mustache, he asks if I was smoking. I said yes cuz I'm already fucked and I resisted arrest and blasted korn and officer pig fucker pulls me out and cuffs me and I spent a night in a jail cell, Jake totally bailed me out cuz of a favor from when we went to the freedom rally. I have 120 hours of community service, a $5,000 fine and surprise drug testing until I pay my dues. It's total crap

Chris: what did you get fucked for?

Patrick: possession, speeding and resisting arrest. Total seahorse shit

Shadow: someone had it coming to them

Patrick: yeah, whatever. Community service will be cool. Me and my boy Georgie linked up yesterday in the jail cell and we are going to the foo fighters show tonight. Come through, guys it's general admission

Chris: Georgie Destefano, the kid from high school who choked his brother to death?

Patrick: ok, he allegedly did that

Spongebob: well, regardless his brother is dead and it could be at the hands of him

Patrick: why do you think so lowly of people?

Spongebob: dude, he was a dick in high school. We only partied and took pills with him, if you remember

Patrick: whatever. Flats is coming too

Chris: oh my god flats?

Patrick: yeah, my buddy from community college

Spongebob: whatever, pat

Patrick: do you guys wanna see the foos or what?

Shadow: nah

Amanda: I'm with shadow.

Chris: I'll go. I love the foos

Spongebob: I've got some reading to catch up on

Chris: yo I'm hyped now.

Patrick: yeah, do you have loud? The asshole cop took my chronic

Chris; nah, we killed that 8th yesterday

Patrick: don't worry, we can pickup. Me and Georgie are gonna pick up flats at around 5, we'll grab you too

Shadow: looks like you guys are in for a night

(Judd Nelson bursts in)

Judd Nelson: sup guys

Amanda: Judd!

Spongebob: where have you been, dude?

Judd Nelson: I've been busy with the filming of suddenly Susan

Chris: what's that?

Judd Nelson: the show I'm in

Amanda: you're currently on a show?

Judd Nelson: yep. Suddenly Susan, I play Jack Richmond

Shadow: I've never heard of it

Judd Nelson: yeah. We were a hit in season 1 but nobody gives a shit. I'm surprised season 4 is even happening. Literally no one watches this show. It's on NBC, so that explains it. The only reason I'm on it is because they said I was "too old" when they considered me for the role of Xander in Buffy the vampire slayer. So I auditioned for suddenly Susan instead

Spongebob: good, you dodged a bullet. Xander is objectivity the worst character on the show. He literally does nothing, the gang would be so much better without him. I mean at least willow starts practicing witchcraft

Patrick: he's also not funny in the slightest. His "jokes" are some of the worst lines in the series. Still a pretty good show, I need something to watch after the next generation ended

Amanda: Patrick, Star Trek tng ended like 5 years ago

Patrick: and when Picard played the flute to find peace in the life he was living within his own left a timeless impact. But I guess it's cool when Buffy goes ham. She's a little op, decent protagonist tho.

Judd Nelson: I'm just happy to be working again. I never liked Brooke shields, always thought blue lagoon was overrated. But we got close on suddenly Susan

Shadow: nice to hear

Amanda: you guys know that Brooke shields was 14 when they filmed blue lagoon? Kinda weird, her tits were in the movie

Chris: that is weird. What's her name from the Romeo and Juliet movie was young and her tits were in the movie. It was really unnecessary too. She just walked by the camera and her tits were out for like half a second.

Patrick: I heard that actress wasn't allowed to go to the screening of that film because she was underaged and there was nudity. But the only nudity was her

Spongebob: also that guy who played Romeos ass was out for a bit

Patrick: oh yeah that

(Benjamin walks through)

Benjamin: oooh. Judd Nelson is back

Judd Nelson: yep. My home. Blockbuster

Patrick: (runs over to Benjamin and kicks him in the nuts)

Benjamin: ahhhhhh !!!!!!

Patrick: haha! Asshole!!!!

(The gang laughs)

Amanda: okay, that was kind of funny

Chris: it's always funny when ppl get kicked in the nuts

(Benjamin gets up and kicks Chris in the nuts)

Chris: agahah fuck!

Benjamin: yeah not so funny now

(They all laugh)

Chris: if it was shadow or spongebob I would've laughed

Spongebob: me too man. Anyone got a cigarette?

Shadow: yep. Not that Patrick would give you one

Patrick: okay cigarettes are like $4.69 a pack it's ridiculous

Shadow: there are also 20 in a pack and you can't spare one. It's incredible

Patrick: oh yeah I forgot I'm not a millionaire like you. People are poor, shadow. Don't be a fucking classist

Shadow: do you want me to buy you a carton? Cuz I can buy you a lot of them.

Patrick: no I can afford them. Just not give them away

Shadow: what if we pay you by cigarette ?

Patrick: it's illegal to sell Lucy's

Shadow: coming from the guy that resisted arrrest. Yeah fucking right

Patrick: why are you being such a dick, shadow?

Spongebob: can someone just give me a fucking cigarette already?

(Shadow throws a whole pack to spongebob)

Shadow: yeah I can spare you a whole pack, unlike some

Patrick: whatever dude. I'm gonna split early. See you later, Chris

Chris: word pat

(Patrick leaves)

Spongebob: Patrick died, man

Shadow; he really did. Fuckin sucks

Amanda: I wonder what happened...he was cool. We used to chill it was fun

Chris: I don't think he's that bad

Judd Nelson: id love to stay and chat but I have a lot of mayor stuff to catch up on. It's been a while

Shadow: bye dude

(Judd Nelson leaves)

Shadow: chris, I don't know why you can't see his douche baggery

Chris: are we gonna pretend like Patrick hasn't always been a dick?

Spongebob: that's true. I've known him since 1987. That's 12 years, friends. 12 fuckin years

Shadow: well I'm not having anymore of this shit

(Sea green comes in)

Sea Green: hey uhh. Patrick is currently at the cvs across the street trying to steal money from an atm

(Patrick at the cvs)

Patrick: (smacking the atm machine with a wrench) come on, give me money you stupid fucking machine

(The gang appears behind him)

Spongebob: Patrick, what the fuck ru doing

Patrick: I'm fucking sick of being broke and taking shit from shadow, it's total crap

Shadow: are you really getting this salty over me calling you out for being such a dick when someone asks your for a cigarette?

Patrick: yes because I'm poor and you don't understand that

Shadow: you clearly have enough money to buy a pack of cigarettes every week, also don't forget you bum constantly cigarettes from literally all of us. Not that we mind but

Chris: not me cuz I don't smoke cigarettes

Spongebob: we get it chris

Patrick: well you guys have more money than me. We all know Amanda makes more money than all of us, shadow is rich, spongebob makes a decent amount of money with his writing and Chris lives with his parents and has no bills.

Amanda: I just don't understand this

Patrick: fuck this I'm going home until the show. (He leaves)

Chris: okay that was quite odd

Spongebob: if he was like this when we met we would have never became homies I swear.

Shadow: It's fucked up

Amanda: since when is he broke

Spongebob: he pays 200 a month to his landlord.

Shadow: is he struggling to pay it?

Spongebob: not that I know of

Chris: he buys like an ounce of weed every month. That's like 150 right there

Amanda: who knows, based on my perception on him I don't want to see him often

Shadow: yeah I feel that shit. (Opens a diet Dr Pepper)

Spongebob: I gotta talk to the fucker. I can't just let my best friend go like that

Shadow: I hear you (sigh...takes sip from diet Dr Pepper)

Chris: is it Ryan?

Shadow: yep

(Awkward silence)

(Patrick in the car with Georgie)

Patrick: yo this is lit that we're hanging out again

Georgie: yeah dude. Jail sucked

Patrick: oh that's why we haven't seen you in 3 years. What'd you do?

Georgie: it has to do with my brother. He was killed

Patrick: who killed him?

Georgie: well, I choked him nearly to death and I just left him on the floor and went to get some pizza and he was dead when I came back. I avoided some hardcore prison time by lying under oath. My alibi was that I was selling crack but they charged my ass and I got sent to jail. I ate the slice I bought him

Patrick: damn dude that's some serious shit

Georgie: he deserved it. He's a dick

Patrick: damn that's powerful.

Georgie: I'll put in my foos cassette for from pregame

(They drive as learn to fly by the foo fighters plays)

(They arrive at flats house)

(He gets in the car)

Patrick: yooo flats

Flats: what's up assholes.

Georgie: chillen man

Patrick: we're about to get Chris

(They get Chris)

Chris: time to party

Patrick: I hit up my dealer. He's meeting us at the parking lot of pizza castle

Flats: yo that was theee pizza place in community dude

Patrick: yeah yo. That sausage pepper slice hmmmm

(They pull up to the pizza castle)

Patrick: (rolls down his window) yo ceppi

Ceppi: sup pat (hands him the loud)

Patrick: (hands him the cash) thanks bro

Ceppi: peace...are you going to jakes party?

Patrick: I'll go anywhere I can obtain free alc

Ceppi: word see you there

(They drive)

Flats: fuck yeah we got the chronic

Chris: I'll hide it in my deep jacket pocket

Patrick: nah, I've been to a million shows at the sword fish, they barley check you

(They walk through security )

Security: ok I smell weed on you

Patrick: what no that's total crap

Security: I know my senses (reaches into Patrick's pocket and takes his weed)...cop!

Patrick: are you fucking kidding me? This is literal horse shit, is it cuz I'm a starfish? You fucking specist

Cop: oh look, it's the kid that blasted korn. We've been laughing over that all day at the station (cuffs Patrick)

Patrick: nooooo fuck!!!!


	3. S2e1

Spongebob Patrick Do Blockbuster Season 2 ep 1 "Patrick Gets Fired"

(patrick, amanda, spongrbob and chris at blockbuster)

patrick:...man i am buzzing hard off of this chaw, man

spongebob: what ?

patrick: (spits the dip on the carpet)

amanda: what the fuck you dip?

patrick: yeah since i'm a broke ass manatee fucker i get my nicotine via chewing tobacco

spongebob: disgusting

patrick: ok, you literally smoke like 5 camels a day, enjoy lung cancer

amanda: enjoy mouth cancer

patrick: pshh. name one person who has actually gotten that and died

amanda: sigmund freud

patrick: seahorse shit. i'm sure he died from fucking little kids

spongebob: he didn't fuck kids, asshole

amanda: he just believes kids derive pleasures from their bodies in a world of tension and pleasure

patrick: pshh whatever (spits more dip on the carpet)

chris: can you stop doing that?

patrick: it's good for the carpet

chris: cite your sources

patrick: (spits dip in his face)

chris: (wipes it off and looks at him...he smacks him) fuck you!

patrick: fuck this shift i have better things to be doing

(patrick walks out)

spongebob: do you remember when patrick wasn't an idiot?

amanda: he's getting stupider as the days pass

(patrick chilling at his house drinking a beer)

(his phone rings)

patrick:(picks up) what

georgie: yo it's georgie destefano

patrick: yo georgie what's up

georgie: i got this job in west codwell you in?

patrick: sure. scoop me

georgie: word

(shadow sitting on his couch watching fritz lang's M while he has the noose on his lap)

shadow: (starring at the screen...he looks to his left and sees his sister snow)...hey

snow: what's up

shadow: this has happened to me before, ryan has visited me as well, hence why i'm not buggin

snow: yea, i felt like it was time for me to visit

shadow: so people from heaven can just come and visit people

snow: well, not really. me and ryan are pretty tight with jesus and he just lets us do cool shit

shadow:...fuckin evangelicals

snow: anyways i came to tell you don't kill yourself and find a new girlfriend who isn't way younger than you

shadow: ok. i wasn't gonna kill myself

snow: ya know, way back in the day i read in your notebook that the last movie you wanted to watch the night you killed yourself was fritz lang's M and that's what you're watching so ya know that's why i'm worried

shadow: well, it sounds like you and ryan are living it up in heaven

snow: yeah it's awesome. you can't die so i just take a shit ton of heroin. it's awesome

shadow: oh you got a plug?

snow: yeah, jeremy the weed shark died a few years ago and he's been the plug

shadow: oh yeah. i was in the peace corps the time of his funeral

snow: aight. jesus has never seen 2001: a space odyssey and were all gonna take acid and watch it tonight

shadow: k bye.

(patrick and georgie destefano driving)

patrick: so what's this task?

georgie: some guy, he and my uncle tony have an issue on a loan. you might need to whack the shit out of him with me

patrick: fuck yeah. what business did you say your uncle was in?

georgie: waste management.

patrick: uhh ok.

(they arrive at the place to see the guy)

guy: hey...is it tuesday already

georgie: yeah cut the shit cocksuckah, where's the dough?

guy: look, just please give me a week. i'll have it

georgie: (whacks the shit out of him)

guy: you son of a bitch! i remember when you were a little weak boy and now you think you run bikini county marone! (takes out a gun)

patrick: oh shit (patrick sees a gun and grabs it)

guy: don't fuckin test me (shoots and misses georgie)

patrick: (shoots and kills the guy) holy crap

(the guys caretaker hears and flips out)

caretaker: (comes running to the scene) oh my god ! i'm calling the police

patrick: fuck! (shoots murders the caretaker)

georgie: is anyone else in the house?

(they hear the voice of a child)

patrick: fuck

(the child comes to the room as patrick and georgie frantically try to cover up the bodies)

child: oh fuck!

patrick: was this old man your dad?

child: no, my grandpa...i don't rlly care, he's lame

patrick: (puts the gun in the kids mouth) if you snitch, i swear to neptune there will be a bullet in your fucking head (pistol whips him) YA HEAR THAT BITCH?

child: ow what the fuck? (tries to run out of the house)

(patrick shoots him in the head and he dies)

georgie: ok. what should we do?

patrick: id say burn the house

georgie: good idea

(a montage of them staging a fire and pouring gasoline and all that to the song what do you want me to say by the dismemberment plan )

(they're driving away as the house is on fire)

patrick: fuck i just murdered an elderly man, a brave caretaker and a child

georgie: how bad do you feel?

patrick: well it depends, how much money is on it for me?

georgie: well after we raided his place we hit the jackpot. i'll take you over to the strip club in Brittle Falls and we'll sort it out there

patrick: word. i think i'm gonna like this new path of life

(georgie takes him to the strip club called the badfish bing)

georgie: (walks into a room full of dudes) hey guys. this is my dude patrick and he helped me win big.

patrick: sup

tony: hey how you doin, (shakes his hand)

georgie: that's my uncle, tony soclamo and my good friends squilvio and paulie whalenuts

patrick: why do they call you that?

paulie: cuz back in 83 some cocksuckah thought he could whack me. long story short, i castrated that beluga fuck

patrick: cool. i gotta spilt, i got my lame ass shift tomorrow. nice meeting y'all

(patrick driving home)

(patrick standing at home, he grabs a beer)

patrick: i feel like fucking (he goes to his phone and calls the number of a person named amber)

amber: hello

patrick: hey it's patrick...wanna fuck?

amber: i'm sorry what?

patrick: remember back in winter 97 when we worked at walmart and fucked in the break room all the time?

amber: fuck you (hangs up)

patrick: (calls the number of a person named miles)

miles: hi

patrick: hey. it's patrick..wanna fuck?

miles: what the fuck?

patrick: what i used to call you to fuck all the time

miles: grow up!

(patrick goes on his couch and masturbates. a shot of him doing it to the song wasted by travis scott)

(the next day at blockbuster)

chris: where has shadow been?

amanda: huh i don't know

(patrick comes in drunk)

patrick: i masturbated 7 times last night cuz no girls wanted to fuck when i called. something is wrong with my dick too. check it out (he takes his dick out. it's a close up shot of his gross looking crusty dick with messy pubic hair)

spongebob; patrick what the fuck

patrick: sorry it's just (throws up) fuck that chaw fucked me up. (he passes out)

chris: should we do it?

amanda: yes

(a shot of chris, spongebob amanda carrying patrick to the dumpster. random shit occurs as the song interstate love song plays. they throw him in the dumpster)

chris: this is what it came to

spongebob: unreal

(the rest of the song plays as it shows shots of bikini bottom)


	4. S2e2

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 2 "my crotch itches"

(patrick laying in the dumpster)

patrick: (wakes up) what the fuck?

(he walks to blockbuster. he goes to the back)

(in the store)

chris: yeah. david's funeral is today but i'm not going

benjamin: that's it. that's how it should be

chris: what?

benjamin: you need to go. you need closure

chris: i barley knew david. hell, im closer to one of the lead actors in one of david's favorite movies, the breakfast club

(judd nelson enters)

judd nelson: hey 2nd family. damn shadows still not here

spongebob: yea, maybe we should check on him

(they hear gun fire out back)

judd nelson: what the fuck?

(patrick is shooting at beer cans)

(the crew goes outside)

amanda: holy shit is that a fucking gun?

patrick: (itches his crotch) my crotch itches (tries to shoot but it out of bullets run out) fuck ! (throws the gun on the ground. a bullet comes out and shoots patrick in the foot) FffFFFUUCKKKKK!

benjamin: uhhh. (runs away)

patrick: someone take me to the fucking hospital!

(spongebob driving patrick to the ER)

patrick: fuck this literally sucks. my life is actually terrible. i have no fucking insurance and i can't afford shit. im on probation and i killed 3 people yesterday

spongebob: what?

patrick: yep. on a job with georgie. before you judge, i was in danger so i had to murder 3 people

spongebob: wow that's just...

patrick: fuck i guess this means i can't attend our sunday-ly futurama, the simpsons and king of the hill viewing party...i can care less about the simpsons cuz season 10 has been so lame, but please tape futurama and king of the hill. if you can tape the steelers game too that'd be nice

spongebob: did you actually kill 2 people ?

patrick: 3 actually but yes. yo, snag some blank tapes from blockbuster. one for king of the hill/futurama and the other for the steelers game

spongebob: what the fuck is going on with you?

patrick: what?

spongebob: you're literally the biggest asshole all the time, you're drunk all the time, you're fucking rude, unpleasant and we were gonna all make excuses and watch the simpsons, futurama and king of the hill without you.

patrick: pshh that's total crap

spongebob: that's the problem! i can't even tell if you've always been an asshole and i'm just noticing or you actually transitioned into this...this ugly, pricky, piece of seahorse shit who kills plants as he walks pass them.

patrick: may your sophomoric efforts to hurt me be viewed by your peers as pathetic, ultimately destroying you while i stay as cool as i've ever been

spongebob: patrick, it's not just me...we all fucking hate you and consider you an inconvenience on all of our lives

patrick: wow. after all of the shit we've been through you just hate me? you piece of shit

spongebob: woah...you're calling me a piece of shit? look at yourself, you're so pathetic.

patrick: oh and you're not?

spongebob: dude i know it sucks being poor. we have the same job

patrick: yeah ok john milton

spongebob: just cuz i'm a writer on the side doesn't mean i'm not poor like you

patrick: pshh. you don't know what poor is. you grew up in rich white suburban east bikini bottom while i grew up in the trailer parks with a drunken dad and a heroined out mom and a brother who physically abused me. not to mention an uncle that...uhhhh...nvm. but you don't know the pain i grew up with , you may have seen it but you don't know it. hell, i did fuck a a shit ton of trailer trash growing up too but still, it sucked.

spongebob: you're right pat. but i am a 21 year old who had to drop out of college on account of my fentanyl/xanax addiction. hell, i still struggle with substance abuse. we all do. every single one of us lives to get fucked up. we all know it but we all know none of us would ever say it.

patrick: yeah dude. all the time i'm drinking beers

spongebob: i drink 2-3 beers at night. it's all of us, pat.

patrick: fucking wild bro.

spongebob: you're not the only one struggling. hell, i printed out adds at the office depot for roommates

patrick: yo, you can't ask your best friend?

spongebob:...best friend? patrick, you are impossible to be around, i truly don't believe i can live with you.

patrick: wow, after everything. bro, you wouldn't even live in that pineapple if it weren't for me

(1996. patrick, spongebob, larry and chris walking in the bathroom at bikini valley high school. some girls are bigger than others quietly plays in the bg )

patrick: holy shit, this shit i took is literally monstrous

(they walk in the stall)

chris: fuck!

larry: dude, that things a tank

(they all admire if)

spongebob: so...it's not like we're going back to class

patrick: word, lets smoke. my weed is back at the park

(they walk to the trailer park)

larry: thanks for all smoking us up all the time

patrick: np,my dude

(they walk in patrick's trailer)

don: (passed out drunk) (wakes up)...ah...aaauwhhhhh, what are you assholes doing here

patrick: hey dad, we're just gonna smoke

don: you privileged fucks! not in my trailer, go out in the woods like i did at your age

patrick: asshole, you smoke in here

don: who pays for this place?

patrick: mom who works overtime at the car wash every night?

don: (stands up over pat) patrick... who gets the disability checks? who buys that weed you love smoking? i do. if you ever wanna talk down to me again, think about the drugs i buy with my disability checks.

patrick: ok, alcoholic

don:(hits him)

(patrick punches him and knocks him out)

chris:...well, i guess we can smoke in here

patrick: no i need to get the fuck out of here. i know a place to go not far from here

(they're walking down the road)

spongebob: squidwards house?

patrick: no. an abandoned pineapple

(they enter)

spongebob: wow...im really feeling this place. nice find, pat

chris: yeah, very cozy

larry: ok, where's the blunt?

patrick: fuck i forgot the weed

spongebob: we can try to cop off of squid

(they knock on squidwards door)

squidward: oh no, what are you doing here?

patrick: squidward, we just need to cop

squidward: i haven't sold since high school

spongebobs; come on man, i know you have weed

squidward: yeah, my weed

spongebob: larry

larry: (holds squidward while the rest steal squidwards weed)

chris: thanks, bye!

(patrick in 1999 in the hospital)

doctor: well, we healed your foot but we have bad news

patrick: yeah?

doctor: your complaints about your crotch itching...you have gonorrhea

patrick: oh, ok. yeah, i'll get through this. just make my dick look normal so i can still fuck, i don't care if i have the disease

doctor:...wow


	5. s2e3

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 3 "judd nelson and patrick go ice skating"

(patrick barges into blockbuster )

patrick: i'm so fucking pissed (kicks benjamin in the nuts) i'm going out for a cigarette (goes)

chris: testosterone. heh

amanda: are we just supposed to be used to this now?

benjamin: yeah, my nuts are pretty immune to the pain at this point

(a shot of patrick drinking a can of Budweiser and smoking a marlboro red as the song wait and bleed plays)

patrick; im so fucking sick of life!

(judd nelson hears and approaches patrick)

judd nelson; patrick, you seem a little mad

patrick: i am. look at my dick (whips it out)

judd nelson: huh..that does look weird

(a shot of a pus filled blister on patrick's dick bursting)

patrick: idk what to do, im buggin bro

judd nelson: come with me. i've had gonorrhea. i know where to go

patrick; fuck yeah, where at?

judd nelson: this place in clamapo

patrick: i call choosing the music, no call backs

judd nelson: call back...what the fuck is a call back?

patrick: it's when someone calls something and you do a call back

judd nelson: that still doesn't exactly answer the question

(a cutaway of spongebob patrick walking to the krusty krab )

patrick: i call calling squidward a [REDACTED]

spongebob: call back..i call calling squidward a [REDACTED] no call backs

(they walk into he krusty krab)

spongebob: hey squidward...YOU [REDACTED]

jim: ha, you're such an asshole, squidward

(back to normal)

patrick: let's go to the whip

(they walk through blockbuster)

judd nelson: patrick and i are to have an emotional afternoon

patrick: yeah. im oddly ready for it

spongebob: by the way, i have the steelers game on tape.

patrick: what about futurama and king of the hill ?

spongebob: yep. both are in your house

patrick: damn i haven't been in my house in like a week lol

judd nelson: lets go, pat

(they leave)

spongebob; huh, shadow is still not here

chris: yeah should we go to his house?

amanda: maybe we should, considering we are aware that he is suicidal

chris: good point

spongebob: life is so weird dude

amanda: yeah, it's changing fast...

(patrick and judd nelson driving as the song ball tongue by korn plays)

judd nelson: yeah, it's this little place on utopian place

patrick: isn't that in airmont?

judd nelson: oh yeah...huh i guess it is

patrick: dude, i can't drive in new york

judd nelson: why?

(flashback to 1994. only shallow by mbv plays)

(patrick and his gf miles are fucking in a car)

patrick: (sexually groaning) fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk

(pulls out and cums)

miles: that's it?

patrick: what?

miles: whatever

patrick: ya know, i feel like it's only a matter of time before prince orange finds out about us. considering we fuck in his car all the time

miles: i doubt it. all he does is jerk it to that damn truck all day

(prince orange in the back admiring his truck)

prince orange: (rubbing it) awww (a shot of his dick getting hard)...i'm ready to fuck miles...(he takes his dick and fucks the exhaust pipe)

(back to patrick and miles)

patrick: ok, i gotta catch the bus before prince orange wakes up

(patrick walks out of the car and sees prince orange)

patrick: fuck...hey dude

prince orange: did you just fuck my girlfriend?

patrick: uh huh

prince orange: oh great! now i can go back to fucking my truck

patrick: uhhh...ok. (patrick cutting through the yard to go to the bus. he looks at the truck for a second and throws a rock at it)

prince orange: patrick...if you ever step foot in upstate new york you will die

patrick: pshh yeah ok

(back to reality)

patrick: yeah, that's why

judd nelson: that makes no sense. new york is a huge state

patrick: that's what i thought, but the 3 times i've tried to go people almost killed me. i don't know how but they track me

(prince orange sitting at his desk)

prince orange: (sniffing a truck gear shifter and stops)...i sense him

(he pushes a button that warns all the members of the group and orders a meeting)

(chris amanda and spongebob walking into shadows house)

(they open the door. the house is a mess. bottles of diet dr pepper and natty light all over the floor and you can hear someone loudly playing mountain man by dinosaur jr on guitar)

amanda: well, i can go for a natty

(they all crack open a beer)

amanda: yep

spongebob: yep

chris: yep

(shadow comes in out of nowhere)

shadow: mmhmmm

spongebob: shadow...how are you

shadow: just livin my last days

amanda: what?

shadow: i'm gonna die soon

chris: oh no

amanda: shadow, what are you talking about?

shadow: im slowly dying. i'm gonna wait it out here

amanda: so you're not gonna kill yourself?

shadow: no, silly...(starts the cry) i'm 30! i am 30 years old. i hate money. we're going to thailand, one last time downing irresponsibly. then im gonna donate it all

chris: where's sea green been?

shadow: she's gone

amanda: of course she is...

shadow: thanks for coming. fuck. i've been too lazy to roll up something. do it. light it. put it in my mouth.

spongebob: just in time for football

shadow: who's playing?

amanda: jets and pats

(judd nelson and patrick driving)

patrick: (looks over and sees a car) huh. i used to fuck this girl in that car

judd nelson: that exact car?

patrick: i mean, probably not. but the same model

(that car taps patrick)

patrick: aw hell no

(the song promise everything by basement plays as patrick backs his car up and hits the car and drives it off the road)

judd nelson: holy shit!

patrick: fuck that was a bug out

(as the pass a road another car pulls behind them)

patrick: (looks at his mirrors) fuck another one.

(a shot from above showing patrick driving mad fast to lose the car)

patrick: fuck what do i do?

(he turns into a random street where no cars are)

(they're stopped)

judd nelson: spooky stuff

patrick: fuck. where is this place

(a shot of the sign utopian place)

judd nelson: oh..we're here

(judd nelson and pat go up and knock on the door)

(emilio esteves answers the door)

emilio esteves: yooo judd nelson. how's it been my guy

judd nelson: pretty good. just finished shooting suddenly susan

emilio esteves: what?

judd nelson: yeah, i'm currently on an nbc show no one watches

emilio esteves: yep. i've been there

judd nelson: my friend patrick has some issues with his dick

patrick: yep. by the way, you were literally the biggest asshole ever in the mighty ducks. your character only cared about fucking that kids mom and you were so mean to those kids.

emilio esteves: uhhh...so what's wrong with your dick?

(patrick whips it out)

patrick: yeah, as you can see i'm not gonna get welcomed by any pussy

emilio esteves:...i see. (he goes and gets something)

patrick: wtf?

emilio esteves: yeah, rub this on your dick

(hands it to patrick)

patrick: what kind of soap is this?

emilio esteves: i make it in my basement

patrick:...let's go, judd nelson

judd nelson: alright. see you, emilio esteves

emilio esteves: take it easy, judd nelson

(they walk to their car and see a group of weirdos standing near it)

patrick: oh fuck, prince orange?

prince orange: yeah. i said no coming to this state

patrick: what are you gonna do?

prince orange: kill you

patrick: (takes his gun out of his pocket and shoots them all)

judd nelson: well, i guess that's it

patrick: yeah...i can come to upstate new york now

judd nelson: you know these guys?

patrick: yep. they're in some club for guys who wanna fuck trucks

judd nelson: huh

(they start driving. generic hard rock plays)

patrick: dude, we're gonna drive through 23 north. ya know what that means?

judd nelson: ga's ?

patrick: fuck yeah. howard stern, best sandwich in north jersey

judd nelson: wonder why it's named after that weird guy

patrick: the world may never know. it should be named after terry bradshaw

judd nelson: what? if anything it should be named after martin brodeur or joe namath or something

patrick: well, unfortunately it's howard stern


	6. S2e4

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 4 "i'm 30!"

(the crew all at a devils game)

amanda: nice save marty!

(a shot of patrik elias sending a sick saucer pass to scott gomez. he shakes his defender and beats the goalie and horn sounds)

patrick: fuck yea, nice move gomez!

spongebob: nice pass patrik!

patrick: what...oh wait you're talking about elias lol

(a shot of shadow looking sad)

(after the game they're walking out of the meadowlands)

spongebob: dude, jay pandolfo totally beat the crap out of ray bourque

patrick: bro, the team hasn't been this good since 95. cup this year bro

amanda: stevens, madden, arnott, sykora, the teams deep as fuck

chris: my dude gomez comin out of nowhere

shadow: im 30!

spongebob: im 21!

shadow: yeah. what fucking ever

patrick: yo, spongebobs, drop me off at the bus stop when we get back to bikini bottom

spongebob: ok

patrick: im going up to staten island tonight

chris: why?

patrick: my boy sea horse todd and miles and me are doing a job. gonna make some real fuckin money. not like blockbuster chump change or some millionaire-connor oberst-lookin-ass's wallet

shadow: (sees a metal pole and stops for a bit. he then grabs it) patrick. fuck with me again

patrick: (looks at shadow and laughs) wow you think im threatened?

(swings at patrick and he reacts as it narrowly misses him )

patrick: woah ! (reaches for his pocket and takes out his gun) watch it crazy guy

spongebob: holy fuck!

shadow: shoot me. i wanna be dead. put it through my fucking head!

chris: what do we do?

patrick: put the pole down shadow. i've played with guns before

shadow: (attempts another swing and patrick shoots him in the shoulder before he can hit him) ahhhhhhhhhhhh

patrick: don't fuck with the second amendment, bitch

amanda: holy shit!

(the squad at the hospital while shadow is in the hospital)

spongebob: patrick, you've done a lot of bull shit but this...i actually can't believe this

patrick: he swung at me! it was self defense. plus he literally asked me to shoot him

spongebob: you shot our friend and now he is in critical condition. how are you still making these justifications?

(the doctor comes out to speak to them)

doctor: good news is he's alive. bad news is he's in a coma and we're gonna need to do some surgeries and hope he makes it. he lost a lot of blood on the way over here

chris: what are the chances?

doctor: he can pull through but it's looking bleak

amanda: oh no

(the doctor leaves)

patrick: he'll be fine

spongebob: there he goes again, not understanding the severity of a situation

patrick: yeah whatever. i'll be on my way to staten island so i don't go fucking broke. (the stud of his nipple piercing pops off) fuck (searches for it)

(a shot of shadow in the hospital bed. it goes into a coma sequence)

(shadow sitting in a room with red curtains. the song audrey's dance plays. in that room, the crew is in there, so is sea green, his parents, his sister, ryan the livin like larry squad)

(shadow sitting and kevin approaches him)

kevin: hey shadow. remember when we hung out? i do because of the effect it had on me

(he disappears. sea green approaches)

sea green: hey broken rich boy. can you believe you took 5 months of my 23rd year and filled it with constant sulking while you enabled my addictions? it's hard to break off a one night stand when he pays your debts...also getting involved with him and letting him bring me down while i was broken was no bueno. at least i'll have plenty of time to constantly worry about that guy killing himself so i can ultimately blame myself!

(she disappears)

(a shot of shadow looking blank)

(a loud speaker says "and now hank williams")

(hank williams steps in front of shadow with his guitar and plays there's a tear in my beer. shadow stares)

hank williams: what's wrong, shadow?

shadow: (a shot of his face)

hank williams: got a problem being alive? well take it from me, im dead. you're right, die. die. die. die. die.

(shadow in the hospital. the heart rate monitor starts beeping fast)

doctor 1: holy shit!

(they attend to him. they do that electrocution thing)

(patrick in a van in staten island with sea horse todd and miles)

sea horse todd: ok. the plan is we go into the house and pose as representatives of the tv company and take their tv. we tell them we're gonna bring them a better tv and we don't bring a tv. go down to the pawn shop, handsome profit (he starts driving. )

the camera shows patrick and miles in the back

patrick: im so hyped. im so fucking broke. i need this job

miles: oh yeah, these people do not see it coming. old people and foreigners are the easiest to manipulate

patrick: ohhh uhh. that's kinda fucked up

miles: do you want money?

patrick: yeah lol

miles: ok. then take those liberal feelings out of this job

patrick; hey, watch it. i plan on voting for george bush

miles: (grabs his dick) ok. good you still have this

patrick: bringing back old memories

(a flash back showing them have weird sex)

(back to normal)

patrick: crazy times lol

(this squad all sitting at the hospital)

(doctor comes out)

doctor: his blood pressures have become normal. it's getting late, you should go home. only family should be this close

spongebob: we're all he's got. im staying tonight

chris: amanda and i will have to hold down block buster tm

(spongebob talking to shadow while he's laying)

spongebob: ya know, back in the day, the early 90s, everyone loved shadow. all around bikini bottom, kids from bikini hills, kids from boonton, clamapo and pequannock even thought you were the shit. but now im thinking, if everyone loved you so much, then why am i the only one here in this hospital with you at age 30? who knows man. you've had it rough and im sorry about that, im just...(he sits down)

(the tv crew doing the thing)

todd sea horse: yeah, we're coming back with another tv

(they take it to the truck)

(a mini montage of it)

(the last house)

todd sea horse: yeah, we're representatives of the tv company and we're taking this tv and bringing a better one

old person: intruder!( pepper sprays him)

todd sea: ahhhhhrieywhsjfjdhhhgggg

(old person calls the cops)

patrick: fuck im on probation!

(he dips. miles follows)

patrick: let's get to the last bus to bikini bottom

(larry driving and stops)

larry:(from the car) patrick?

patrick: larry, you going back to bikini bottom?

larry: yeah...get in knuckle head!

(a shot of shadow laying there. all you can hear is whistling


	7. S2e5

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 5 "smells like teen spirit"

(patrick hanging out at his house with miles)

patrick: ya want a beer?

miles: imported ?

patrick: what? no...we're american if you didn't know

miles: i know ha just give me a bud man

patrick: now that's the miles i know

(they're watching the news)

patrick: al gore is so dumb. he's literally willing to fabricate his own mythology to scare left wing assholes to vote for him. we don't know what hes doing with clinton.

miles: when he speaks in newark we should ruin his speech

patrick: i'll scream compassionate conservatism.

(a knock on the door)

miles: who's that?

patrick: fuck it might be my parole officer. (he opens the door)

blue collar worker: (hands patrick an eviction notice) time's up. we tried to warn you

patrick: fuck!

(guy leaves)

patrick; holy fuck. i'm so pissed, i thought i could totally finesse another month or 2

miles: i mean, just squat for as long as you can

patrick: ya know what ur right fuck it (the lights go out)

(spongebob, amanda and chris at the hospital)

spongebob: god my back is so bum from the hospital couch

amanda: this is getting crazy. can he be in coma for ever?

chris: like that book about that girl who got shot and was in a coma for 3 years or something

spongebob: man im just buggin hard. im goin for a cigarette

(shadows coma sequence. he's on a large plot of plain walking. spongebob is walking with him)

shadow: why are we walking and where is civilization?

spongebob: dude there's a great thai place that has the best kai yang with msg and we're going

shadow: there's a thai place here ?

spongebob: yeah.

shadow: where?

spongebob; just keep walking. we will be there

shadow: ok

(spongebob out smoking his cigarette)

(he oversees a group of teenagers skating, smoking cigarettes and living up their youth. spongebob admires the worry free vibe of their aura and approaches)

spongebob: (indecision by heroin playing on their tape player) what's up guys

santiago: what's up homes

spongebob: just really stressed. my friend got shot and is in a coma

jared: damn dude. does he roll with tony soclamos crew?

spongebob: ohhh...no, my old best friend shot him

santiago: puto que?

spongebob: it's a long fucked up story and situation

santiago: sucks culo homes

spongebob: yeah it really does. im spongebob by the way

santiago: im santiago

jared: im jared. the funny guy

sofia: im sofia. if you need molly, im ur gal

molly: and im molly. if you need acid im your girl

spongebob: oohhhh yes i need drugs

sofia: we were about to go fishing and smoke some blunts come through...you look like a pretty cool dude. how old are you

spongebob: 21

(they all bug)

santiago: we got a plug for coronitas

(patrick and miles looking walking around. patrick has a huge sack with his things)

patrick: fuck. this sucks

miles: can't you go in spongebobs house?

patrick: hmmm. fuck it. he's gonna be at that hospital for a long ass time

(spongebob and that squad fishing)

spongebob: shit i got one. (jared gets the net. he reals it in and jared captures it)

santiago: beautiful. you hooked that trout perfectly.

spongebob: that was the only bite so far...this place is whack, let's go to the reservoir in wanaque

molly: how the fuck are we gonna get there?

spongebob: i have a car

(shadows coma sequence)

(still walking with spongebob)

shadow: where is this place? i haven't seen anything more than a crumpled up section of the new york times that was a bad seinfeld review on this walk

spongebob: we'll get there

shadow: when?

spongebob: you need to learn how to delay gratification. trust me, the kai yang will be worth it. just wait.

(spongebob at the wanaque reservoir. they're all catching fish)

molly: this place is way better. damn spongebob, you're fuckin cool

spongebob: pass that blunt

(they put a new tape in the player. it's dusters stratosphere)

spongebob. oh word, duster is awesome. damn you guys have great taste

(a cop comes and turns the stereo off)

cop: funs over

spongebob: fuck

cop: spongebob? why are you hangin with these kids

spongebob: uhhh ya know

cop: well, you're gonna have to call shadow to bail you out

(shadows coma)

shadow: spongebob, we've been walking for miles. and again, the only other thing i've seen is another bad seinfeld review from the new york times

spongebob: i wonder why that is. but who cares you'll forget all about this walk when you're rewarded with that kai yang. it's gonna be goooooooooooood

shadow: i have a feeling it won't be. like, i know that's the goal, to get the food but will that really make all of what we went through worth it?

spongebob: shadow, if you fix something that is broken really really well and the right way, it'll be working. if you constantly duct tape it and try to bootleg fix it, you might get a few good uses but in the long run, it'll get even more broken until you meagerly fix it again. keep doing that every time it breaks, you're gonna have to buy a new one

shadow: what does that have to do with anything

spongebob: keep walking. once you get it, we'll be there

(patrick and miles fucking in the living room while gary watches)

patrick: (he pulls out and nuts on her face) oh hell yeah. another great orgasm

miles: this is awesome

patrick: yeah. i hope spongebob never comes back

(chris and amanda sitting at the hospital)

chris: are you staying?

amanda: i guess so. im sure spongebob was too stressed and went home

(chris's cell rings)

chris: hello?

spongebob:(from the police station) i need to get bailed out. come to the station. i'll pay you back

chris: what happened?

spongebob: i'll explain later.

chris: ok. be right there

amanda: what happened ?

chris: spongebob needs to get bailed out

amanda: oh no. i'll stay, get him. im gonna knock some sense into him

(shadows coma)

spongebob: you ever make your radio louder in your car even tho the volume is maxed out and you know it is?

shadow: i guess

spongebob: stop doing that.

shadow: umm ok

spongebob: if your goal oriented action isn't working, take a new approach.

shadow: so instead of trying to make it louder when i can't, i should buy new back speakers to fix the issue?

spongebob: you finally get it shadow.

(the thai place is revealed)

shadow: there it is!

spongebob: (opens the door) come in shadow

(shadow looks inside and it's his childhood home)

spongebob: take some time for slumber. your day tomorrow is gonna be quite eventful. (hands him a place of kai yang) fill yrself up too


	8. S2e6

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 6 "my scars go deeper when he's here"

(shadow wakes up in his bed. he gets up and looks around. he sees no one but looks at various things. the first thing is a dying plant that seems to have been over flown with water in an attempt to save it last minute. he decides to go outside where its revealed bikini bottom is deserted)

shadow: hello! (it echos)

(he starts mozying around. he comes across a baby sea urchin. he looks amused by it. he decides to pick it up and it bites him)

shadow: fuck ! (he throws the sea urchin and it explodes when it hits the ground)

(judd nelson appears but he is 7 feet tall)

judd nelson: (presses a tape recorder that plays the "oops i did it again" line from that one song) there he goes. doing it again

shadow: judd nelson? dude, you're huge

judd nelson: yea. keto, man. listen, me and my boy shaq r gonna play basketball. let's go to the bikini valley gym. (judd nelson grabs shadow and flys to the gym. the song heading for the door by duster plays)

(at the gym)

judd nelson: my man, shaquille o'neal

shaq: hey. i believe i am the best big man in the nba. fans know me for being a really

dominant and seemingly unstoppable force down low. but...(he attempts a free throw and misses) i shoot 50 percent from the free throw line. the los angeles lakers still love me

shadow: so what...they accept you despite your flaws?

shaq: yep. all except for that guy kobe

(judd nelson shoots and shaq blocks it)

shaq: if you keep riding the baseline i'll block it everytime.

judd nelson: you right. (drives, does a back hop step and hits the 14 foot jumper)

shaq: there ya go. keep playing like this and you'll be liked by gregg popovich

(shadow walks out)

shadow: (reading a sign on the gym door) all autocrats are charmers

(shadow in the hospital)

(spongebob, amanda patrick and chris r in the room)

(shadows parent fiasco )

fiasco: i heard my sons dead, is that true?

spongebob: are you...fiasco?

fiasco: i am. are you three the only people shadow has?

chris: yeah

fiasco: of course

amanda: it helps to talk to him

fiasco: clear the room. i have some private words

(they leave)

fiasco; my son. my fucking son.

(shadows coma. he's walking around and patrick appears)

patrick: fucking slowly, all the pain, justly as the burden of his broken dream is lifted but seemingly carried out. breathing, panting again. my angry dad, faintly to the yearning of his depressed son.

shadow: what?

(back to normal)

fiasco: all you had to do was listen to me...the son failed at that. i should've known

(spongebob outside smoking. amanda approaches him)

amanda: can i bum one?

spongebob: (gives her a boge and a lighter)

amanda: so why did chris have to bail you out and why do you have community service?

spongebob: caught with weed

amanda: i know that. why man?

spongebob; i was just chillen and the guy came. it could've happened to us anytime

amanda: yea...that's kinda a problem. like, we rationalize using substances very unsafely.

spongebob: look, i was just trying to get away from it all. is that a problem? everything around us is getting scarier and more fucked up

(a random hipster looking dude gives spongebob a flyer)

random hipster looking dude: this town will soon have class...join us for coffee but in a douchey way (he leaves)

spongebob: wait a second...this coffee shop is opening up on bikini ave south?

amanda: what about it?

spongebob: that's near the trailer park patrick grew up in. it's also near my neighborhood aka one of the cheapest places to live in not only bikini bottom but all of north eastern new jersey

amanda: what does that have to do with anything?

spongebob: ok, as you know, bikini ave is one of the 3 main roads in bikini bottom, along with conch street and neptune turnpike. the north side was always lower middle class and when they started opening up all of those places, we can thank that douche bag squidward for contributing with that pretentious restaurant jizztel, the property tax raised because all of the hipsters came with their green hair, sad indie pop and 4 dollar cups of coffee. looks like it's happening again this time it'll be me who's affected, especially if it goes all the way down to south bikini ave

amanda: oh no...what can we do?

spongebob: well, we'll see what happens. for now we wait. we may have some time, hell we might be able to stop it

(chris walks in the hospital room)

fiasco: ok. im done here (leaves)

chris: well, it's been a tough few days. i feel like you and i never talk. how are you? oh, you can't respond. well, idk what to say but...if you wanna live just wake up man. you've been complaining about being alive a long time now...

(spongebob and amanda come in)

(shadows coma standing in blockbuster)

spongebob: shadow, come to the back with me.

(the back. there are two doors. one says life, the other says purgatory)

spongebob: it's your choice, man. make it

shadow: (opens the door to purgatory. kurt cobain busts out of it)

kurt cobain: woah...is that it? damn eternity felt forever.

shadow: hey

kurt cobain: hey dude

shadow: yeah, i was just about to go in there. life isn't for me

kurt cobain: oh yeah?

shadow: yeah. i hate life and everything involving it

kurt cobain: let me tell you something that isn't the same old "ohhh the world needs you, you have so much to live for" bull shit. but i will tell you, you cannot listen to daniel johnston in purgatory, you cant smoke weed, you cant fuck, and you cant play music. you just sit around, eat flavorless almonds and every , they show meatballs 3: summer job and let you drink coffee. other than that, it's you, your fucked up thoughts and your dick. i say this cuz you can actually jerk off here

shadow; wow.

kurt cobain: so which door are you taking?

shadow: i guess i can give life another chance.

kurt cobain: finally im free!

(kurt opens the life door and takes shadow with him)

(back at the hospital)

(shadows eyes open and he looks up)

chris: holy shit shadow!

(spongebob screams for the doctor)

(the doctors come in and work on reviving him)

amanda: come on shadow, you can do it

chris: stay with me, man

shadow: woah...i made it

(kurt cobain comes out of the closet)

amanda: is that kurt cobain?

kurt cobain: no...uhhh im the guy at the coffee shop who looks like him

spongebob: oh yeah the one on south bikini ave, ahhhh working for a place of gentrification i see. fuck off

kurt cobain: ohhh uh never mind bye. (he rushes out of the hospital)

doctor: well you pulled through. after a short surgery you'll be ready to go

spongebob: what a relief...

chris: i guess we gotta go back to work now. sigh


	9. S2e7

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 7 "spongebob wants a cigarette"

(the crew at blockbuster)

benjamin: i gotta say, i really missed you rascals breaking all the rules

patrick: we didnt miss you

benjamin: ahhh. i miss being disrespected

chris: patrick, you were barley at the hospital.

patrick: yeah i was getting drunk and getting my dick sucked because unlike you basket cases, i stay positive (reaches into his back pack and cracks open a keystone light) well, it's half off at the tattoo place today. see you later (leaves)

shadow: isn't it weird that the guy who nearly killed me is still around us

spongebob: i dont even know what weird is these days. life's so fucked up

(2 hipsters walk in)

hipster 1: ohhh i love it. a hyper corporation just casually posted next to the gourmet bakery and cyber punk club. how ironic

hipster 2: do you have any art house films

(spongebob looks visibly pissed off)

spongebob: god dammit i need i cigarette. (goes off for one)

(shadow joins him)

spongebob: hey dude

shadow: whats up ( he puts the cig in his mouth and does the lighter motion with his hand and spongebob lights it fit him)

spongebob: nothin much. just enjoying my hometown before the gentrification has me moving to boonton...hell i can't even afford that, it'll most likely be craberson

shadow: sigh. i wish i can relate but i feel trapped in myself and my money.

spongebob: it's just tough. 21 and im at a point where im just sluggin through life. getting high, working at this piece of shit place so i can buy beer and pay 320 a month to live in my pineapple. that number is going up. it's just...i never pictured it would be like this

shadow: yep. i know that feeling. getting old, trying to blank out the prospected growth, well, refusing the growth if we're being real with ourselves. look at me. im 30. one day you'll be 30 and feel like me. and i'll...i'll be 39.

spongebob: i hate life

shadow: i can make a toast to that. im a damn piece of shit any how, so i toast this cig to us. sluggin away and smokin away til we die

(inside the store. amanda and chris begins the counter)

chris: no one comes in here anymore. what the fuck

amanda: yeah...profits are so down. a week like this isn't too bad but we're going on a fuckin month

(benjamin on the phone with tony soclamo)

benjamin: so these drinks, are you sure they'll sell?

tony soclamo: yeah, they're the best selling energy drink at walmart up on route 3

benjamin: ok. are you sure nothing bad will happen?

tony soclamo: nothin. don't worry

benjamin: ok. ill go over to the badfish bing to pick up the cases. whats the stuff called again?

tony soclamo: asteroidea energy boost

benjamin; oh ah..ok

(patrick getting a tattoo)

patrick: sup henry b rollins. can i get the lyrics to wait and bleed by slipknot just above my pubes? i want girls to read "i felt the air rise up in me...inside my shell i wait and bleed" my while they're suckin the d

henry b rollins: alright man.

patrick: (lays down and the tattoo guy goes) yeah life is dog shit right now. nothin to do but get drunk, fuck, force myself to pass out cuz that high is underrated and then drunk sleep. that's life lol. it sucks but i make it fun with a touch of hedonism

henry b rollins: damn pat you just on a bender?

patrick: yeah im kinda homeless lol

henry b rollins: you need a place to crash?

patrick: yeah, thatd be fucking sweet

henry b rollins: ok. im not far from you. pompton lakes.

patrick: sick bro. thanks so much dude

(spongebob at the bargain mart shopping)

spongebob: (going up the the bananas and notices the price) what the fuck, 72 cents per pound?

(old man jenkins comes)

old man jenkins: yeah, since all of those weird looking young individuals moved here, they've been going to the whole foods for organic fruits and vegetables. i got them shipped here

spongebob: why old man jenkins?

old man jenkins: i need this place to stay standing somehow

spongebob: think of all the working class families here who just wants to buy bananas for 12 cents a pound. this is ridiculous

old man jenkins: i know spongebob. i know

(hipsters approach the bananas)

hipster: wow 72 cents per pound? what a deal! perfect for my vegan macadamia nut brownies! sub butter for bananas to help save the manatees

spongebob: so you think an individual eating vegan is gonna eliminate factory farms?

hipster: not if people like you eat burgers and processed gooey shit

spongebob: oh you, a sensitive little freak cares about a stupid fucking manatee when you and your gross kind are changing the strong-humble north jersey town of bikini bottom

hipster: i guess someone doesnt like class...

spongebob: yeah. their name is some douche bag white privileged ass hipster who selfishly moves where all his degenerate liberal friends deem cool when in reality their making it too expensive for the lower-middle class to live here. you fucking classist. fuck i need a cigarette

(goes out for a smoke. the song hierophant by king woman plays)

(spongebob observes the area he is around. he goes to a pay phone)

(shadow answers)

shadow: hello

spongebob: hey. what are you doing ?

shadow: drinking. watching reruns of daria

spongebob: wanna get trashed together

shadow: fuck yeah

(benjamin at the badfish bing. getting the energy drinks)

benjamin: so whats the deal again ?

tony soclamo: you sell these in your store. we get 60%

benjamin: dont you think $2.75 is too much for an energy drink?

squilvio: this cock suckin drink is gonna attract all of those new assholes in town. you tell them an energy drink has 0g of sugar and 0 calories and does something to you, those cock sukahs will be all over it.

benjamin: ok

paulie whalenuts: and if you fuck up...let's just say don't fuck up

(benjamin looks scared)

benjamin: ok ok.

(patrick at henry b rollins' place)

henry b rollins: yeah, you can just pass out anywhere. you can smoke, fuck, piss on the floor, whatever. this place is already a fucking mess

patrick: word. i foresee a decent chapter of my life coming

henry b rollins: im gonna do some heroin.

patrick: word

(henry b rollins goes to the other room)

(patrick looks around and notices stacks of cash)

patrick: yo henry b rollins why do you have stacks of cash?

henry b rollins: (comes out all heroined out) let's wrestle (he jumps in patrick and patrick slams him to the ground)

patrick: dude chill the fuck out!

henry b rollins: i sell drugs, you in?

patrick:...fuck yeah

henry b rollins: wooooo. ima blow more coke. (gives him a note book and a bag) these are my rounds and goods.

patrick: like captain picard says "The road from legitimate suspicion to rampant paranoia is very much shorter than we think"

henry b rollins: (takes the beer he's drinking and smashes it on his head " yeahhhhdhhhshhhshhdhhdh

(patrick goes in his car for the delivery that night)

patrick: (looks at the address) squidward? (he starts driving)

(spongebob and shadow at his house. there are several empty beers laying around)

spongebob: yeah. everything fucking blows. hipsters are ruining things. patrick's ruining things. my job sucks. my life sucks. and my town is turning into. (gulp) hoboken (cringes)

shadow: (sigh) i saw this happen in san francisco as a child. it blows dude. now it's happening to our home. bikini bottom, new jersey.

spongebob: i thought we'd be the same strong 42% non white town as we've been since 1847

shadow: uhhh. yeah also before that...the lenape and ramapough tribes were strong

spongebob: uh so that's why the town is called ramapo

shadow: don't you mean clamapo

spongebob: oh yeah. i do

shadow: what should we do about the gentrification ?

spongebob: we need to make our identity known. tomorrow at work we will show who we are. first look at me shotgun this beer (shotguns a beer) i'm crazy man! (crushes the can on his head) sponges feel no pain! except for the pain in my heart over the town i know and love slowly fading into hipster obscurity

shadow: dude. ur actually keats. write poetry

spongebob: that's it. beat poetry. get all of the people riled up over these hipster assholes

shadow: hell yeah. after our hang overs tomorrow we shall begin

(patrick selling to squidward)

patrick: yo squidward you actually do coke

squidward: yeah so what?

patrick: nah dude. no judgement. can i blow a line?

squidward: hell yeah

(patrick lines one up and takes it)

patrick: that's the stuff!

squidward: so how've you been

patrick: literally so shitty lol. my life is actually falling apart in front of my own eyes. the decisions i've made...one thing i've learned about myself is i can murder and old person and a child and feel absolutely no remorse. so yeah lol

squidward: you've killed a child?

patrick: yes. he was like 8 lol

squidward: well it was nice seeing you, patrick.

patrick: yeah, lemme sniff another line and i'll be out

(patrick walking home all coked up)

(his cell rings. he picks up)

patrick: hello you've reached taco bell home of the taco bell what's your beans?

miles: hey patrick...im pregnant

(a shot of patrick's face)

patrick:...ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk


	10. S2e8

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 8 "spongebob patrick do heroin"

(patrick driving in his car on the phone)

patrick: so there's a baby inside of you?

miles: yes

patrick: how the fuck is that possible?

miles: your refusal to wear a condom

patrick: well im sorry. i dont consider it sex if there's a rubber thing on my dick that fits annoyingly tight. plus you get cum all over your tip when you take it off. they're fucking annoying

miles: patrick, im gonna hang up

patrick: wait...so you're getting an abortion right?

miles: patrick, i just found out. just let me think (hangs up)

(the crew at blockbuster)

chris: what are these energy drinks?

benjamin: well, we need business somehow. for some reason people like these

amanda: yeah. those hipster assholes just love paying almost 3 dollars for it. im fine with my good old school red bull

(patrick walks in)

patrick: im so fuckin pissed! (kicks benjamin in the nuts. he proceeds to take a keystone light out of his backpack)

spongebob: fuck should we talk to him

shadow: fuck that prick. he literally almost killed me

spongebob: well, i guess it'll be me

(he goes. patrick is out back shooting the dumpster with his gun)

spongebob: patrick, why the fuck did you come in here screaming

patrick: becuz i got miles pregnant. she literally has a baby in her uterus. im so pissed. me cum should only go in tissues, rags, a girls face or when i donate old sperm to make a quick buck. this is actually bull shit

spongebob: woah you knocked someone up?

patrick: yes. it blows bro. im just trying to think what would captain picard do

spongebob: is she gonna keep it

patrick: fuck she better not. hopefully she'll smoke, drink and snort a lot of coke all 9 months of pregnancy in the event of her making the vacuous decision to keep a child that should've been a cum stain on your couch...the place where i fucked her raw the most when you were in the hospital with shadow

spongebob: ok you just said a lot of fucked up things so i need a second to ignore that for now to advance this conversation. patrick...i don't even know what the fuck to say. you fucked up your life in one year. dude, last year we were chilling hard...we were the closest we've been ever...you changed so fucking fast...i specifically remember a time period not too long ago when you weren't completely fucked up on a moral level...i don't even know what the fuck you do, how you spend your days, or why you even come to work

patrick: i still get paid

spongebob: really?

patrick: yeah. benjamin still pays me despite the fact i come in like twice a week, get beer drunk, shoot my gun and pass out he still shows respect. i like the guy, even though i am abusive towards him

spongebob: neptune, you're really fuckin me with these fucked up things you're saying

patrick: alright. im splitting. time to sell h

(chugs the 2 tall boys he's double fishing and throws them on the ground) ha, take that, al gore. bush 2000! (reaches for his keys in his backpack)

spongebob: patrick, can you drive ?

patrick: psh i can drive. bro i can drive to newark and back going 90 and cutting everyone off. hell, i can go to pennsylvania , buy some fire crackers and light them on my nuts cuz im fucking crazy! (shoots his gun at the dumpster)

spongebob: ok...let me drive. well chill, blast foo fighters like old times

patrick: yah ok whatever. take the truck, not that girl car you call your honda accord

spongebob: it's a stick but fine

patrick come on, i totally taught you stick. fuck, you took it to lbi august 97 when larry was too drunk to be designated driver for pregame

spongebob: well, i guess ill remember

(they're in the car. foo fighters playing)

spongebob: so where do you have to go, home?

patrick: nah i got evicted. we need to go to the gas station on the intersection of totowa road and union boulevard in totowa

spongebob: you got evicted ?

patrick: yeah...by the way, to get there without going on 23, take hamburg turnpike to wayne, hit valley then make a left on riverview drive, then another left on totowa road and ride it until the light before union boulevard. the gas station is to the left of that

spongebob: oh...ah ok so how'd you get evicted. you still make the same amount of money you did last year, a time in which you were paying rent

patrick: well, my rent actually went up a little bit, along with my alcohol purchases over the fact i can no longer smoke until this probation bull shit is done so yah lol

spongebob: how did the rent go up?

patrick: idk. that big ass house that was built when they knocked down vinny's old house was bought and all of a sudden my rent goes up. some bull shit

spongebob: that is some bull shit that has to be dealt with...and we will deal with it

patrick: (cracks open a keystone light) yep

spongebob: why do you have to go to this gas station?

patrick: dealing heroin

spongebob: wht the fuck?

patrick: yeah. im crashing at henry b rollins' place and i'm pushin a little h cuz his lazy ass is doing some crazy shit all the time. reading about how the government staged jfks assassination or some weird bull shit as such

spongebob: patrick, i really dont want to be doing this. this isnt who i want to be. i never want to be driving with fucking heroin

patrick: bro chill. ill be in and out

spongebob: why are you doing this?

patrick: money. why else?

spongebob: what will be purchased with this money?

patrick: a carton of marlboro reds, 36 pack of heineken yeah i can splurge... and a whole bunch of cheesy oyster skin burrito supreme boxes with extra hot sauce, beans and onions from taco buenos

spongebob: oh uh. ok. so maybe you should rethink how you're spending

patrick: why? im gonna make mad money doing this and im homeless and get paid under the table and also i have no bank account. the irs doesn't know who i am and fuck, im still getting my dads disability checks lol we literally buried him in mrs. puffs backyard lol

spongebob: yeah we did do that. huh we were scumbags

patrick: yep. true scum.

spongebob: well, all im saying patrick is be smart with your money. you didn't have this problem last year

patrick: watch it bitch. i went to community college and was pulling a 3.3 and willingly dropped out unlike you, you little preppy boy with your penn state frat while i was going through hell in the fucking trailer park, busting my fucking ass working full time at the chinese food place, taking my mom to her therapies and going to school while you were out sniffing drugs and failing classes. you flunked out. almighty spongebob was talking about how great penn state was gonna be all fucking summer 97. i remember that drive to lbi so well because of you running your liberal mouth about how you're so excited to get out of new jersey and experience college life and meet a whole bunch of superficial assholes in your gay little frat while you ignore your best friends to what...ultimately flunk out, get hooked on pain killers and come back crying to us? fuck you, you pseudo mature sponge

spongebob: ok first off, fuck you, second off, don't bring my species into this. i know i was a little prick, i went through my bull shit but dammit look at you right now. i was never this fucking low. your pinnacle bottom. i've never seen anything like this ever happen to anyone. you went from cool, to kinda douchey, to straight up psychopathic in a matter of months.

patrick: you really love to put me down don't you? stop. we're here

spongebob parks and patrick runs out with the bag

patrick: (behind the old soda machine) yo dude, you need that h?

heroin addict: (looks at the unsafely attended bag) uhhh (snags that bag and runs)

patrick: oh hell no! (tries to find his gun) fuck (runs to the car)

spongebob: what the fuck?

patrick: go after that guy! (loads his gun hops in the back and opens the window)

spongebob: holy shit are you gonna kill this guy!

patrick: yes. let me get a clear shot (a shot of patrick's aim. he slightly on him and shoots but spongebob slows down) fuck spongebob i had him!

spongebob: you really think im gonna help you kill someone? dude you are out of fucking line

patrick: well, i have some explaining for henry b rollins

spongebob: well, what do we do now?

patrick: go to pompton lakes...the neighborhood joey d threw up in when we did acid sophomore year

spongebob: ok

patrick: so yeah, i hope i got you there. im not fucked up. i could've finished school, maybe go to montclair state, and get a lame ass job and died young due to me hating life but i stayed cool and am living my shitty life the best im able to. quit being a dick

spongebob: you just tried to kill a guy

patrick: thats what you do bro

spongebob: i cant believe i am doing this right now

patrick: well like captain picard says "You cannot explain away a wantonly immoral act because you think that it is connected to some higher purpose"

spongebob: dont talk to me

patrick: ...dick

(they arrive at henry b rollins' place)

in the drive way

patrick: all right...time to get through this

(henry b rollins inside smashing rocks with a sledge hammer)

henry b rollins: yeah bro!!!

(patrick comes in)

patrick: yo dude some bull happened

henry b rollins: what man?

patrick: some junky copped the bag and ran with it

henry b rollins... what?

patrick: yeah dude. let's clap him

henry b rollins: (takes a knife and runs towards patrick)

patrick: fuck (hits him as he runs at him. and dashes for the door)

henry b rollins: ima get you (cuts his tongue)

patrick: (going to his car for his gun)

spongebob; why are you getting your gun

(henry b rollins opens his door. there's a slow motion shot of patrick loading the gun, pointing it at henry b rollins. a shot of the trigger being pulled. a shot of henry b rollins as the bullet goes deep in his chest. he falls to the ground. this happens as karma police plays)

spongebob: gasps

patrick: ight. ima go grab all his dough and loot the house. can i crash at your place tonight?

spongebob: uhhhh...sure

(the ride home)

patrick: dude im up 4k! and he had a dreamcast! i thought my broke ass would never get to play it

spongebob: so you killed a guy

patrick: well yeah, i kinda had no other choice. he was trying to kill me

spongebob: still...

patrick: i killed a piece of shit. it's not like i wanted to, fear kicked in due to the fact he came at me.

(silence)

patrick: he has nfl 2k and two controllers

(a shot of spongebob patrick playing nfl 2k as the song i can tell that we are gonna be friends plays


	11. S2e9

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 9 "occupy bikini ave"

(the crew all at blockbuster)

patrick: yo i got a dreamcast last night when i killed henry b rollins

chris: oh yeah we heard all about that

patrick: yep. clapped that little punk. dude i need soda. all we have is shadows diet dr pepper

amanda: we have energy drinks

patrick: word. (goes to the fridge) mann cant wait to have that red bull (reads label asteroidea energy boost) woah what is this bull shit?

benjamin: asteroidea energy boost. a new drink we're selling here

patrick: who created this drink. use the computer

(amanda typing)

amanda: some guy named cody finn

patrick: that's not a star fish last name! what the fuck? this asshole is using my people to sell energy drinks? (reads label) wow it says "bring out the inner beast" that's bull! that's obviously pushing the stereotype that star fish are prone to angry outbreaks

chris: is it really doing that?

patrick: yes! they know what they're doing. true scum. only star fish can say that word. hell, even brittle can say it...maybe even sea cucumbers and urchins can depending on where they grew up. but not cody finn. where's he from?

amanda: el paso, texas

patrick: asshole. but all i know is this can't be sold here

benjamin: nooo we have to?

patrick: get fucking red bull. not species stereotyping bull shit

chris: patrick, why does it matter?

patrick: because my heritage is being mocked to sell an energy drink. what if i just used shrimp to sell something...how would you feel?

chris: i wouldn't care

patrick: whatever, you stupid shrimp

benjamin: we just need to sell them. stay cool patrick

patrick: you're telling me to stay cool? yeah, and mike piazza is coming here to rent a copy of cocktail

(mike piazza walks in)

mike piazza: hey do y'all have cocktail?

(spongebob and shadow having a smoke out back)

shadow: man this hipster shit sucks. today someone tripping on acid came up to me and told me i had to go to college. asshole

spongebob: well i have a plan

shadow: what is it?

spongebob: we get all of us real bikini bottom folk together and riled up on bikini ave. right in hipster center. it'll be called occupy bikini ave

shadow; fuck yeah. we know all the cool people who'll fuck shit up

(patrick benjamin walking in the parking lot)

patrick: hey, spiciest asshole, stop selling those fucking drink

benjamin: i can't!

patrick; are you really that bigoted, asshole?

benjamin: patrick, you will have trouble understanding the situation i am in. just hang in there with me and stop bitching about that shit

patrick: woah, woah, woah...i dont want people around getting even more bull shit ideas about who starfish are. we arent bad people who are full of rage. we arent alcoholics and we aren't criminals

benjamin: well i guess it's a coincidence starfish are responsible for 58% of crime in passaic county yet make up 12% of the population

patrick: bitch those numbers are inaccurate (punches benjamin. benjamin punches back, punches him again, grabs him against and holds him against a tree)

benjamin: dont fuck with those energy drinks...you wanna see what happens when i reach my breaking point? (tosses him on the ground and drives away in his car) punk starfish

patrick: ill show that prick

(after closing. they're all saying bye)

spongebob: bye guys

amanda: later

chris: see ya bob

spongebob: patrick, you crashing at the pineapple?

patrick: yeah. i just need to deal with some shit

spongebob: ok

(they all leave. patrick: takes the mini fridge and takes it to the back. he shoots it several times and pours lighter fluid on it and sets it on fire. patrick gets in his truck and leaves)

spongebob, shadow, larry, kevin, evelyn and various other bikini bottom citizens all at the pineapple

spongebob: so we gather and protest.

larry: what are we protesting ?

spongebob: all of the shit happening with gentrification.

don: yeah we need to get those scumfucks out of here. shit is getting oddly expensive

spongebob: yeah 72 cents per pound for bananas. absolutely nuts

evelyn: let's show these mother fuckers who bikini bottomites are !

(they all get hyped)

patrick enters

patrick: oh fuck is this a party ? fuck yeah

larry: i can use a beer

(it turns into a party. patrick is fucking drunk)

patrick: man this is fucking awesome dude. i love this town. i love the people i grew up with. (hugs larry) you beautiful lobster. tomorrow we shall fuck shit up. bikini bottom, new jersey! let's goooooo

(everyone's all hyped)

patrick: (sniffs a line) wooooo!

(the next day. spongebob and patrick come in all hungover)

patrick: man we haven't thrown down like that in a min

spongebob: yeah dude. unplanned fun...that doesn't happen much anymore.

benjamin: patrick. meet me outside

(outside)

patrick: what is it bitch?

benjamin: i told you not to fuck with my shit. you fucked with my shit

patrick: i don't care, you spiciest fuck

benjamin: i was working with tony soclamos crew. they're gonna kill me because you destroyed my product

patrick: finally. the dick gets what he deserves

benjamin: you're unbelievable. oh my god. oh my god. fuck what do i do?

patrick: i can make it easier and kill you now...you're on you're own

benjamin: nooooo

(inside the store)

spongebob: i wanna keep this protest peaceful. but please do say mean stuff to every hipster you see. it's important

chris: what is this gonna achieve

(patrick comes in)

patrick: i don't know, you beer battered shrimp

amanda: hypocrite.

patrick: ok. i'll fuck the most shit up at occupy bikini ave. what an epic name. i'm fucking hyped

spongebob: you better not get violent.

patrick: fuck you! all of you hate starfish, the way you treat me. fuck off, all of you

(he goes out for a smoke)

he over hears benjamin on the phone with tony soclamo

benjamin: man i'm sorry. please don't hurt me

patrick: pshh. asshole. (he gets in the truck and goes home until occupy bikini ave)

(occupy bikini ave)

(a whole bunch of people gathered. spongebob has a megaphone)

spongebob: what do we want?

crowd: our town back

spongebob: when do we want it?

crowd: now?

spongebob: we are not gonna be kicked out of our town by a whole bunch of privileged assholes! not now not ever!

hipster approaches

hipster: we had turned your town into a place of culture !

patrick: fuck off!

(judd nelson sees patrick)

judd nelson: patrick!

patrick: what's up man?

judd nelson: nothin much. as mayor im just observing

patrick: yeah. they're talking about the gentrification

judd nelson: oh yeah. that. huh, you really miss a lot in this town when you spend all day watching 80s movies i was in

patrick: yeh this place is like my life. it sucks

judd nelson: i saw benjamin talking to tony soclamo and his crew behind the abandoned shop rite

patrick: oh yeah.

judd nelson: should we check it out. ?

patrick; yeah. i wanna watch it happen

(benjamin is sitting and being spoken to by paulie whalenuts, squilvio, and tony soclamo)

benjamin: please don't hurt me

tony soclamo: dont worry...(punches him)

benjamin: ahhhhhshs

squilvio: do you not remember what we said.

(patrick and judd nelson observing )

patrick: asshole

judd nelson: do you really want him to die?

patrick: of course.

judd nelson: he's been pretty fine with you

patrick: he hates starfish

judd nelson: make him change his view. save him

patrick: dammit. fuck ok (cocks his gun)

(squilvio pointing a gun at him. patrick shoots him in the head)

tony soclamo: fuck! (shoots and misses patrick. patrick gets a shot at him in the head)

patrick: fuck you, don of new jersey

(paulie whalenuts shoots him the the arm. he drops his gun and falls down)

paulie: say goodbye, cock suckah

(benjamin sees the gun. he picks it up and shoots paulie whalenuts)

(silence)

benjamin: thank you patrick.

patrick: i'm sorry about everything man. i have you a reason to hate starfish, but i hope we can just speak like two fish

benjamin: this should only stay between us

(judd nelson comes)

judd nelson: and me

benjamin: so you need to go to the hospital

patrick: nah can't afford that shit

benjamin: what a sad world we live in

patrick: yea. they don't give a fuck about us. the rich get richer and i stay broke

judd nelson: let's go to that protest

(they approach spongebob)

patrick: what's going on?

spongebob: nothing's happening

judd nelson: what do we do now?

spongebob: what we do best. party hard until we out party these fucks

(the episode fades out as the chorus of calendar hung itself plays


	12. S2e9 (12-04 13:47:26)

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 9 "occupy bikini ave"

(the crew all at blockbuster)

patrick: yo i got a dreamcast last night when i killed henry b rollins

chris: oh yeah we heard all about that

patrick: yep. clapped that little punk. dude i need soda. all we have is shadows diet dr pepper

amanda: we have energy drinks

patrick: word. (goes to the fridge) mann cant wait to have that red bull (reads label asteroidea energy boost) woah what is this bull shit?

benjamin: asteroidea energy boost. a new drink we're selling here

patrick: who created this drink. use the computer

(amanda typing)

amanda: some guy named cody finn

patrick: that's not a star fish last name! what the fuck? this asshole is using my people to sell energy drinks? (reads label) wow it says "bring out the inner beast" that's bull! that's obviously pushing the stereotype that star fish are prone to angry outbreaks

chris: is it really doing that?

patrick: yes! they know what they're doing. true scum. only star fish can say that word. hell, even brittle can say it...maybe even sea cucumbers and urchins can depending on where they grew up. but not cody finn. where's he from?

amanda: el paso, texas

patrick: asshole. but all i know is this can't be sold here

benjamin: nooo we have to?

patrick: get fucking red bull. not species stereotyping bull shit

chris: patrick, why does it matter?

patrick: because my heritage is being mocked to sell an energy drink. what if i just used shrimp to sell something...how would you feel?

chris: i wouldn't care

patrick: whatever, you stupid shrimp

benjamin: we just need to sell them. stay cool patrick

patrick: you're telling me to stay cool? yeah, and mike piazza is coming here to rent a copy of cocktail

(mike piazza walks in)

mike piazza: hey do y'all have cocktail?

(spongebob and shadow having a smoke out back)

shadow: man this hipster shit sucks. today someone tripping on acid came up to me and told me i had to go to college. asshole

spongebob: well i have a plan

shadow: what is it?

spongebob: we get all of us real bikini bottom folk together and riled up on bikini ave. right in hipster center. it'll be called occupy bikini ave

shadow; fuck yeah. we know all the cool people who'll fuck shit up

(patrick benjamin walking in the parking lot)

patrick: hey, spiciest asshole, stop selling those fucking drink

benjamin: i can't!

patrick; are you really that bigoted, asshole?

benjamin: patrick, you will have trouble understanding the situation i am in. just hang in there with me and stop bitching about that shit

patrick: woah, woah, woah...i dont want people around getting even more bull shit ideas about who starfish are. we arent bad people who are full of rage. we arent alcoholics and we aren't criminals

benjamin: well i guess it's a coincidence starfish are responsible for 58% of crime in passaic county yet make up 12% of the population

patrick: bitch those numbers are inaccurate (punches benjamin. benjamin punches back, punches him again, grabs him against and holds him against a tree)

benjamin: dont fuck with those energy drinks...you wanna see what happens when i reach my breaking point? (tosses him on the ground and drives away in his car) punk starfish

patrick: ill show that prick

(after closing. they're all saying bye)

spongebob: bye guys

amanda: later

chris: see ya bob

spongebob: patrick, you crashing at the pineapple?

patrick: yeah. i just need to deal with some shit

spongebob: ok

(they all leave. patrick: takes the mini fridge and takes it to the back. he shoots it several times and pours lighter fluid on it and sets it on fire. patrick gets in his truck and leaves)

spongebob, shadow, larry, kevin, evelyn and various other bikini bottom citizens all at the pineapple

spongebob: so we gather and protest.

larry: what are we protesting ?

spongebob: all of the shit happening with gentrification.

don: yeah we need to get those scumfucks out of here. shit is getting oddly expensive

spongebob: yeah 72 cents per pound for bananas. absolutely nuts

evelyn: let's show these mother fuckers who bikini bottomites are !

(they all get hyped)

patrick enters

patrick: oh fuck is this a party ? fuck yeah

larry: i can use a beer

(it turns into a party. patrick is fucking drunk)

patrick: man this is fucking awesome dude. i love this town. i love the people i grew up with. (hugs larry) you beautiful lobster. tomorrow we shall fuck shit up. bikini bottom, new jersey! let's goooooo

(everyone's all hyped)

patrick: (sniffs a line) wooooo!

(the next day. spongebob and patrick come in all hungover)

patrick: man we haven't thrown down like that in a min

spongebob: yeah dude. unplanned fun...that doesn't happen much anymore.

benjamin: patrick. meet me outside

(outside)

patrick: what is it bitch?

benjamin: i told you not to fuck with my shit. you fucked with my shit

patrick: i don't care, you spiciest fuck

benjamin: i was working with tony soclamos crew. they're gonna kill me because you destroyed my product

patrick: finally. the dick gets what he deserves

benjamin: you're unbelievable. oh my god. oh my god. fuck what do i do?

patrick: i can make it easier and kill you now...you're on you're own

benjamin: nooooo

(inside the store)

spongebob: i wanna keep this protest peaceful. but please do say mean stuff to every hipster you see. it's important

chris: what is this gonna achieve

(patrick comes in)

patrick: i don't know, you beer battered shrimp

amanda: hypocrite.

patrick: ok. i'll fuck the most shit up at occupy bikini ave. what an epic name. i'm fucking hyped

spongebob: you better not get violent.

patrick: fuck you! all of you hate starfish, the way you treat me. fuck off, all of you

(he goes out for a smoke)

he over hears benjamin on the phone with tony soclamo

benjamin: man i'm sorry. please don't hurt me

patrick: pshh. asshole. (he gets in the truck and goes home until occupy bikini ave)

(occupy bikini ave)

(a whole bunch of people gathered. spongebob has a megaphone)

spongebob: what do we want?

crowd: our town back

spongebob: when do we want it?

crowd: now?

spongebob: we are not gonna be kicked out of our town by a whole bunch of privileged assholes! not now not ever!

hipster approaches

hipster: we had turned your town into a place of culture !

patrick: fuck off!

(judd nelson sees patrick)

judd nelson: patrick!

patrick: what's up man?

judd nelson: nothin much. as mayor im just observing

patrick: yeah. they're talking about the gentrification

judd nelson: oh yeah. that. huh, you really miss a lot in this town when you spend all day watching 80s movies i was in

patrick: yeh this place is like my life. it sucks

judd nelson: i saw benjamin talking to tony soclamo and his crew behind the abandoned shop rite

patrick: oh yeah.

judd nelson: should we check it out. ?

patrick; yeah. i wanna watch it happen

(benjamin is sitting and being spoken to by paulie whalenuts, squilvio, and tony soclamo)

benjamin: please don't hurt me

tony soclamo: dont worry...(punches him)

benjamin: ahhhhhshs

squilvio: do you not remember what we said.

(patrick and judd nelson observing )

patrick: asshole

judd nelson: do you really want him to die?

patrick: of course.

judd nelson: he's been pretty fine with you

patrick: he hates starfish

judd nelson: make him change his view. save him

patrick: dammit. fuck ok (cocks his gun)

(squilvio pointing a gun at him. patrick shoots him in the head)

tony soclamo: fuck! (shoots and misses patrick. patrick gets a shot at him in the head)

patrick: fuck you, don of new jersey

(paulie whalenuts shoots him the the arm. he drops his gun and falls down)

paulie: say goodbye, cock suckah

(benjamin sees the gun. he picks it up and shoots paulie whalenuts)

(silence)

benjamin: thank you patrick.

patrick: i'm sorry about everything man. i have you a reason to hate starfish, but i hope we can just speak like two fish

benjamin: this should only stay between us

(judd nelson comes)

judd nelson: and me

benjamin: so you need to go to the hospital

patrick: nah can't afford that shit

benjamin: what a sad world we live in

patrick: yea. they don't give a fuck about us. the rich get richer and i stay broke

judd nelson: let's go to that protest

(they approach spongebob)

patrick: what's going on?

spongebob: nothing's happening

judd nelson: what do we do now?

spongebob: what we do best. party hard until we out party these fucks

(the episode fades out as the chorus of calendar hung itself plays


	13. S2e10

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 10 "i fucking love bikini bottom"

(the whole crew having a block party in hipster center)

patrick: this is how it's done in bikini bottom! yo who's got heroin? im trying to do some fucking heroin

joey d: ayyyo pat my heroin guy literally died

patrick: oh yeah i know lol

joey d: yeah henry b rollins was a legend around here

patrick: yeah, a fucking crazy guy too

larry: (he is the dj) it's time to turn this shit up!

judd nelson: we're gonna party party like it's the 80s

spongebob: how do we do that?

judd nelson: easy, ya just gotta bang a lot of girls named josie

(patrick appears)

patrick: yo guys, we're doing coke in the truck, come the fuck through

(patrick, judd nelson, spongebob and larry go to the truck)

(patrick cuts some lines up)

(they all sniff lines)

patrick: wooo we've got our town back! fuckkkk yeah boy

judd nelson: man i haven't blown a line since bush was in office

patrick: bush will be back in office in no time. well, his son. but still we need a fucking conservative in office (notices a bag of heroin on the floor) oh. i must've forgotten about you

spongebob: what?

patrick: im talking to myself because im crazy and i have killed people. noticed how i said people. that means more than one

larry: patrick, you're frightening me

patrick: dont worry bro ive only killed bad people. ya guys wanna hit up the football field and drink beers? those fuckin hipsters jog over there

(shadow at his house hanging out alone. drinking diet dr pepper)

shadow: (lights a blunt) this is my life. beavis butthead reruns, weed, loneliness and then nothing.

(phone rings)

(shadow picks up)

shadow:...yeah

gingy: hey shadow. it's gingy

shadow: oh hey! cousin gingy!

gingy: i heard you were shot...i've been meaning to call but i've been busy with the move

shadow: yeah im fine it's nothing now. where'd you move out to?

gingy: austin was getting a little dry...and expensive so i went out to tucson. you'd really dig the lifestyle here

shadow: yeah. anything to get away from where i am

gingy: i can't believe you're still in new jersey. after all of the bull shit conversations we've had about leaving new jersey, you're still there

shadow: i always end up back. after i dropped out of suny, i went right back to jersey. after the peace corps, right back to jersey. i really believe im ready to go

gingy: yeah, you deserve that shadow. you have so much money, you can go anywhere.

shadow: actually ive been slowly getting rid of it. donating to children's hospitals, the environment, poverty, and all of that

gingy: haven't you already been doing that?

shadow: yeah. but this time around im sending way more than i should. i leave myself with 10,000 and what i've saved at blockbuster

gingy: well as i was saying before, you would really dig the lifestyle out here. it's very relaxed and cheap living

shadow: oh yeah i guess ill have to start worrying about that.

gingy: what is making you give your money away?

shadow: i completely pissed the rest of my 20s away by living like a worry free teenager, hell even hanging out with worry free teenagers. it's getting harder to do that. i've done nothing but stunt growth and make myself even more depressed than before. im absolutely miserable. if i died i would be fine with that. im just giving myself another chance here by getting rid of the money and doing something. anything. maybe find real love

gingy: when do you wanna go?

shadow: as soon as i can. each day it gets worse. you wouldn't believe this one guy im always around. he's absolutely insane. i need new people in my life...i just cant go on like this

gingy: if you wanna join me in tucson you're more than welcome to. it's a place you can come to figure shit out. it seems like you have a lot of shit

shadow: i do

gingy: and i miss you. our families were crazy but you snow and i got through it all together

shadow: snow didnt

gingy: she taught us more than we'll ever know

shadow: sigh...she's supposed to be here with us. i've been having a lot of vivid dreams about the morning i found her dead. i havent dealt with those feelings healthy at all. i will always be haunted by that. dammit we all knew she was addicted. all of us. you, me, clem, molly, ryan and we did nothing. (crying) it's all my fucking fault.

gingy: (crying)

shadow: you're the last person on this planet i have any kind of deep connection with. i miss you. i miss the early 80s. god dammit i wasted my fucking life

gingy: you have time to change that. i'll help you every step of the way

shadow: yeah...alright. it was really nice talking to you gingy. ill deeply consider tucson.

gingy: i'll email you some good resources for research

(spongebob, judd nelson, larry, patrick, amanda, chris and others partying at the football field)

(hipsters seen leaving the field after being turned off by the trashiness)

spongebob: that's right. leave !

chris: it's working. they're getting out

patrick: yeah. get the fuck out of here!

(the song the boys are back plays as there's a montage of the crew partying it up around bikini bottom. the hipsters aren't happy)

(after they're at taco buenos)

spongebob: man we really showed them today. man i feel good. i need a cigarette (spongebob lights one up)

judd nelson: yeah man. great high

(a shot of a few hipsters as spongebobs cigarette smoke wafts their way)

hipster: (mock coughing like how some assholes react to 2nd hand smoke) that's a law that state of new jersey is very behind on

spongebob: what you have a problem with me smoking? we're stressed out here, we're working class. we smoke. get the fuck over it. who else wants a cigarette?

(the rest of the squad lights up)

judd nelson: i dont even smoke

chris: me neither. but dammit this is for bikini bottom

hipster: absolutely disgusting!

(spongebob puts the hipster into a head lock and blows smoke into their face)

hipster: get your trash hands off of me!

spongebob: you spoiled little bastard! too privileged to take smoke to the face. i can tell you grew up saddle river you rich little asshole

hipster: i grew up in ho-ho-kus actually...fuck this town. it's way trashier than i thought...i need to get the fuck out of here... (leaves)

amanda: we're getting closer

patrick: fuck yeah go bikini bottom

spongebob: im gonna go over to shadows. see you guys tomorrow

patrick: im gonna chill at the pineapple. see ya

(patrick in his truck outside of the pineapple)

patrick: (picks up the bag of heroin. he scourges around and notices a lot more from when he rolled with henry b rollins) oh shit

(he goes inside in the library. there's a shot of him doing all of the stuff involved with heroin. as he injects the song another brick in the wall plays. he lies there with a smile on his face)

(spongebob and shadow)

spongebob: yeah we totally showed those fucks what bikini bottom is.

shadow: yep. they'll get out of there in no time. hipsters don't like trash

spongebob: amen to that. (finishes rolling the blunt and sparks it up)

shadow: so im thinking i should move

spongebob: really?

shadow: yeah. i can't keep doing this to myself. im starting over. donating all of my money

spongebob: wow that's pretty wild

shadow: the money consumed me. how ironic...spongebob, i thought about it. you really grew to be one of my favorites in new jersey and im willing to help you out. i'll leave you the house

spongebob: wow shadow. that means a lot but...i love my pineapple. it's all the space i need. means a lot though

shadow: how about 10k

spongebob: really? wait, im not gonna front. i will gladly take that

shadow: haha it's yours. keep this between us though

spongebob: will do. so when and where are you going?

shadow: arizona. tucson to be exact. my cousin called and kinda had me decide to go their on a whim. im actually feeling optimistic for once. as for when, sometime after the new year

spongebob: that's good

shadow: yeah maybe moving to the desert won't solve everything but i just need to move on with my life. i can't just hangout with more young kids and live worry free...im fucking 30 dude

spongebob: i hear ya. i'll miss you a bunch man

shadow: yep. i'll miss you too

spongebob: we had some good times

shadow: absolutely. when we broke out of prison

spongebob: when we discovered that club of ghouls and spirits

shadow: yeah. those times haven't been happening much anymore...it's time man

spongebob: im happy for you shadow.

shadow: thanks spongebob. how bout rolling up another blunt

(patrick on the couch watching futurama)

(he hears spongebobs car door close)

patrick: oh shit! (he puts all of the heroin in the bag and closes it)

(spongebob enters)

spongebob: what's up pat

patrick: nothin just chillen

spongebob: i'm gonna throw a load in. (sees the bag) dammit patrick i told you not to leave your shit on the floor (bends down to pick up the bag)

patrick: (grabs it) hey don't touch that !

spongebob: dude chill

patrick: yeh yeah i wont leave shit around anymore. sorry man...sorry

spongebob: are you ok?

patrick: yeah dude im just hangin in there.

spongebob: are you sure? you seem messed up

patrick: im just tired and loopy. dude, chill with me for a bit. futurama is on and king of the hill is coming on after

spongebob: alright. ya wanna smoke?

patrick: yeah bro. i've been meaning to smoke. my last drug test was last week. finally off probation

spongebob: nice dude

(they smoke)

spongebob: so shadows moving to arizona

patrick: good. fuck him

spongebob: why?

patrick: hes a rich asshole who only cares about himself

spongebob: shadow went through a lot personally. he's actually giving his money to charity

patrick: what? that's actually sea horse shit. after all we've done for him he can't spare a million?

spongebob: why would he ever do that?you almost fucking killed him

patrick: well i didn't

spongebob: so? you shot him

patrick: i think you're forgetting he took a swing at me with a metal pole and actually asked me to kill him

spongebob: so what, you actually do it? how could you do that? how could you do what you did to henry b rollins?

patrick: he literally tried to kill me. jesus fuck you saw him. that guy is crazy anyways

spongebob: ok that i guess i understand but shadow ? he's a person you've spent a lot of time with, you once called him a friend. and you just indiscriminately shoot him and worse, you feel absolutely 0 remorse for it. you didn't even give a shit

patrick: and i still don't! you ever stop to think about the person he is?

spongebob: hypocrite

patrick: fuck you. i'm a good person

spongebob: wow you really believe that don't you?

patrick: of course i do. why else are we best friends? ya know what, ya know fucking what ? im leaving. larry will let me crash at the beach house. fuck you

(he leaves)

(the crew all chilling)

spongebob: patrick was being a total asshole last night. he was acting weird

amanda: when isn't he a total asshole?

(patrick comes in all heroined out)

patrick: he fucks face

chris: hey man

patrick: im gonna go out back and sleep

(he leaves)

amanda: oh, when did patrick start taking heroin?

spongebob: what?

amanda: yep. he's heroined out

spongebob: im sure it's nothing...he's just a dick

amanda: nope. he is definitely on heroin

(shadow walking with a bag of money to a collection box. he puts a stack in the cash in the bins that benefit the town)

shadow: i fucking love you, bikini bottom. you are home and always will be


	14. S2e11

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 11 "spongebob, the arsonist"

(patrick hanging out back in blockbuster shooting his gun at the dumpster)

(inside. the crew discussing while they are decorating for christmas)

amanda: spongebob, i know heroin. i've abused it. that's a guy on heroin

spongebob: it just makes no sense. why would he do heroin?

chris: are you really saying that? patrick is a murderer, spongerobert

spongebob: i hate patrick and i hate christmas

benjamin: yeah he's completely fucked up. in fact, i need a word with him

(he goes out)

benjamin: hello, patrick

patrick: ahh! (goes up to benjamin and puts the gun to his dead) die bitch!

benjamin: (screams )

patrick: (pulls the trigger) ha! it's not loaded, got you assholeeeeeee

benjamin: neptune dammit

patrick: yeah i'm crazy!!!;000""

benjamin: patrick, i feel so bad for what i had done

patrick: what's that now?

benjamin: ya know. killing that guy

patrick: oh yeah. pshh who cares

benjamin: i do. i feel bad

patrick: you killed bad people. get over it

benjamin: i ended someone's life.

patrick: ok, that doesn't even matter, like, you killed the don of new jersey. you did something good

benjamin: i keep trying to tell myself that

patrick: well keep doing it. only a woman acts like that, but then again you are kind of a woman

benjamin: ok pat. as long as no one knows. but i'll always know (goes inside)

patrick: cool, now i can do heroin (he goes behind the dumpster and shoots up)

(inside of blockbuster)

(news 12 new jersey playing)

tv: the mafia is looking for the person responsible over mysterious murder of mob boss tony soclamo. the mob is based around the towns of codwell, lodi, nutley and belleville. as to why the murders of squilvio dante, paulie whalenuts and tony soclamo happened in bikini bottom are unknown

benjamin: wow what a mess

spongebob: damn someone really took out 3 made guys including the boss

amanda: yeah gutsy guy

benjamin: maybe they did it because they were threatened

chris: well obviously they were

(shadow comes in)

shadow: hey guys

benjamin: do you still work here?

shadow: nah im moving

amanda: moving, where and when?

shadow: tucson, arizona and after the new year

chris: fuck that's soon

shadow: yep. im having a go away/christmas party next week. we'll have one more night to do what we do

sponebob: well we were gonna leave and get those hipsters pissed off again

shadow: where at?

amanda: outside of whole foods.

shadow: oh im there dude. i'll also tell mad hipsters about san francisco. that'll get them out probably. actually no

(patrick comes in)

patrick: hey fuck faces. im goin on a ride (leaves)

(patrick at the trailer park with miles)

miles: (gets in the truck) hey pat

patrick: wanna fuck?

miles: no i wanna talk since you've been ducking me

patrick: what you said you wanna fuck

miles: i said that so you'll come here

patrick: wow you really got me to come here under false pretenses. it better be good news cuz why else would i talk to you while having a boner?

miles: what would you consider good news

patrick: that you're getting an abortion

miles: im not

patrick: what? ok, be my guest. raise a kid and have a good time doing it cuz you won't be seeing me near that thing

miles: wow look at you. grow up. i've grown since this baby started growing inside of me. you haven't

patrick: if you "grew" then you would realize that us having a baby is not a good idea. im a star and you're a resin. we have bad genes, i turned out ok, you...i guess you're ok but we're actually gonna have a devil baby

miles: wow patrick you suck dude haha. i mean it's true but still, you didn't turn out ok and neither did i

patrick: why dont you smoke and drink a lot and hope for the best

miles: wow it's happening to me

patrick: what is?

miles: im having a kid and the father is gonna be out of the picture.

patrick: so what? dads suck. my dad abused me, your dad abused you and im probably gonna follow that path cuz that's all we know

miles: ya know, you're actually speaking sensical...kind of

patrick: all right. well we can go to spongebobs place, fuck and do drugs. can we fuck?

miles: yes

(spongebobs crew fucking shit up at whole foods. an over head shot of them partying)

spongebob: the hipsters haven't been around. did we win?

(they go into whole foods)

shadow: where are all the assholes? no way they all moved out

chris: they did only to a few

(random whole foods worker)

random whole foods worker: if you're wondering where all of those individuals went, some moved to bayonne and others are at the coffee place that opened on bikini ave south

spongebob: dammit i knew that would be brought up in the plot again. let's get our asses over there

(patrick and miles fucking on spongebobs bed)

(they finish)

patrick: ohh ya. nice shit. nice shit

miles: so you wanna be a father or what?

patrick: neptune dammit. way to kill the sex high (lights a cigarette)

miles: come on patrick this is important

patrick: ok. i just wanna say if you're smart, you wouldn't let me father this child. i mask all of the hatred i have towards myself by boosting myself up, but i am no father

miles: patrick, you can at least try to improve cuz im having this baby

patrick: give me a second (he goes into the bathroom and does heroin)

(he hides all of the heroin stuff and goes back out)

patrick: ya know what miles. let's raise a baby

miles: really?

patrick: yeah why not. fuck it my life already sucks

miles: are you ok ?

patrick: is that a rhetorical question?

miles:...no what the fuck?

patrick: fuck let's get stoned to zeppelin (he puts the zeppelin in the vinyl player and starts rolling a blunt)

miles: dont you wanna tell me whats wrong with your life?

patrick: haha that's so funny that you're asking that. just chill out to the tunes (sparks the blunt)

(spongebobs crew at the coffee place)

spongebob: (notices the price) 3 dollars for a cup of coffee. wow this is some crap!

(hipster approaches)

hipster: hello, welcome to the bean

chris: the bean?

amanda: wow i've never heard a dumber name than that

hipster; well the community pretty much survives off the bean. we gotta keep that up cuz everyone is moving to bayonne

spongebob: what community are you speaking of? all of those 25 year old assholes who moved here? yeah, i can tell that one over there (shows hipster) is a systems analyst who pretends to be an artist and that one over there (shows hipster) pretends to be a struggling musician but in reality has rich parents funding his living. fuck this (gives guy the finger and they leave)

amanda: what do we do

spongebob: well, the guy said those creatures survive cuz of that place. all we have to do is burn it down

chris: are you serious ?

spongebob: yep. it's time to take a different approach. let's meet at the pineapple at midnight

(spongebob hanging out with shadow)

spongebob: so in order to get the scum out, we burn their coffee shop

shadow: are you serious?

spongebob: yeah. im getting to that point.

shadow; be careful

spongebob: i will. anyways hows it going?

shadow: im just waiting out the days.

spongebob: i hear yah

shadow: yep. i don't have much else to do here

spongebob: damn shadow, i know it's your life and it's for the best but im not ready for you to leave

shadow: well i am. we'll talk on the phone man

spongebob: i love you

shadow: love you too bobby

(patrick at the pineapple alone. he does some heroin and chills. the arson crew convenes)

patrick: oh are we partying

chris: nope. arson

spongebob: we're burning down that new coffee place

patrick: cool. i'm just gonna chill and get high

amanda: you got any heroin?

patrick:...wa...what? no what the fuck. why u suggesting that?

amanda: alright pat

(they gather lighter fluid, gasoline)

(in the car. they're all dressed in black)

spongebob: alright. dont panic

chris: what do we do about cameras? they're gonna notice i'm a shrimp and that's spongebob is a spongebob

amanda: i think we can take care of those cameras

(they park and start walking)

spongebob: since you're paranoid, be our look out

amanda: what if an alarm goes off ?

spongebob: then we better be quick

(they approach the door)

chris: should we just break the glass

amanda: i got this

(amanda picks the lock)

amanda: yeah you learn a few things in the old sorority

(the go around pouring gasoline all over. )

spongebob: get it all in there

(outside chris is hanging and sees a teenager)

teen: dude what are you doing?

chris: just chillen

teen: did you just break in to that place

chris: does your mom hate you?

teen: what?

chris: are you on a walk at 1am cuz your mom pissed you off and do you feel unloved by your family

teen:(starts crying and runs off)

chris: yeah run off, little bitch

(inside)

spongebob: ok guys. i'll light the match from here (he is shown striking the match with his blockbuster match box and throws the match on the flame) let's dip!

(they get in the car and dip)

(the place is shown in flames)

chris: fuck yeah!!!!!!

spongebob: where am i taking us?

amanda: my place. we'll crash tonight to stay low key

(the next day. the hipsters are at the scene and the cops are there)

cop: well, i can tell you this was arson

coffee shop owner: who could've done this?

cop: we don't know. we did find a blockbuster match box at the scene

coffee shop owner: blockbuster huh

(the crew at blockbuster)

patrick: yeah that shit you were doing sounded cool but i was too fucked up lol

spongebob: yep. we did good

(the coffee shop owner enters)

(the crew gulps)

coffee shop owner: who burned down my coffee shop ?

spongebob: i don't know maybe you, mr. insurance fraud

coffee shop owner: there's some evidence that's leads to this place. a blockbuster match box

chris: ok

coffee shop owner: i'll be back.

patrick: no you won't.

coffee shop owner: by the time i get the place back up bikini bottom won't be the it town

spongebob: nope. we'll just be the same strong north jersey town we've always been

coffee shop owner: i'll be back

patrick: no you won't (grabs him and takes him out back) you want to open up another place when they're all gone? go to bayonne if anything. you don't wanna stay in this town, you don't wanna fuck with us. collect the insurance money and the the fuck out of here (throws him down)

coffee shop owner: ok ok im sorry. i'll leave you alone

patrick: haha you little baby. get the fuck out of this town, liberal...if you don't you'll hate your life, we'll make sure of that (grabs him again)

coffee shop owner: ok sorry please let me go

patrick: get out of here skinny bitch ! (throws him again)

(he runs off screaming )

(patrick goes inside)

patrick: he won't be bothering us anymore

spongebob: what'd you do?

patrick: instilled fear with threat. just like pops used to do

(awkward silence)

patrick: we got our town back

(they're all like "fuck yeah!"


	15. S2E12

spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 12 "how the patrick stole christmas"

(patrick looking at himself in spongebobs bathroom mirror)

patrick: that's right. coolest mother fucker in the world. (looks at his bart simpson tattoo on his thigh) im so sick

patrick's reflection: yeah. you really are cool. how about a little something make you cooler? (hands him a bottle of pain killers) just remember, the easy way is the right way

patrick: did you just talk to me, mirror me?

patrick's reflection: yea, i did. you're so fucked up you saw me speak

patrick: but these are actually drugs...what kind of in-universe implication is this?

patrick's reflection: just go for it for the sake of the plot

(the crew at blockbuster)

patrick: (drinking a beer out of a paper bag) it's the most wonderful time of the year. the reindeer all bring cheer, santas drinking a beer and the jews light candles. it's the most wonderful time of the yearrrr

chris: beautiful

patrick: yeah man. i am happy about everything. i found new life in myself. i am invincible and i look so fucking cool. just take a look at me

(a shot of a visibly disgusting patrick)

spongebob: you look pretty skinny

patrick: it's called a diet. also look how sick my bart simpson tattoo looks (he exposes his thigh and the tat looks all fucked up)

benjamin: patrick, what the hell

patrick: yeah i know. sick right. i look so damn cool. like if my last name was swayze

amanda: i know a lot of heroin addicts who say that

patrick: well, that clever little thing only works for people named patrick so get rip. ima chain smoke while dipping. keep being losers, losers. (goes out)

chris: i feel like that happens in every episode. fuck patrick

(patrick pops his head out of the door)

patrick: i heard what you said chris and i just wanna say i think the rock bottom shrimp massacre of 1974 was a good historical event

chris: fuck you too patrick

(he goes out and packs a lip and lights a ciggie)

patrick: oh yeah that's good (takes a few pain killers) yeah!!! (gets his gun and starts shooting at the dumpster)

(in blockbuster)

spongebob: there he goes again, shooting his gun

chris: anyone else kinda scared of this guy?

amanda: i guess we should be, but knowing him im not really

chris: he does view us all as friends and he thinks we think he's cool. ah fuck

amanda: that's the complete fuckin opposite

chris: how long is this guy gonna stick around in our fucking lives for?

spongebob: we have to somewhat help him. what are we just gonna throw the guy in the fucking streets? he's just gonna keep fucking coming here

amanda: well you're helping him the most. how's him living with you?

spongebob: pretty chaotic. last night he drummed through a whole ac dc album. pissed me the fuck off. he also shot my toaster

(cutaway of spongebob and patrick having coffee at the kitchen table)

patrick: good fuckin coffee. especially when it's 70% vodka and 30% coffee. like the world

spongebob: what?

patrick: well, the world is 70% ocean

where we live and 30% where humans live

(a shot of the toaster going off)

patrick: ahhhhhhh! (gets his gun and shoots the toaster)

spongebob: patrick it's a fucking toaster! what the fuck man

(back to normal)

chris: wow that's wild...

(judd nelson walks in)

judd nelson: guys i just saw patrick talking to a wall

(patrick talking to his shadow)

patrick's shadow: so you're gonna take those pills and tell that guy shadow how it is. make the party cool

patrick: absofuckinglutly

(he goes in blockbuster)

patrick: hey assholes. im gonna chill before the party. keep those pussies tight (leaves)

judd nelson: patrick is funny...

(shadow walking into blockbuster. sees patrick)

patrick: hey man

shadow: hey patrick

patrick: im hyped for the party. one last time man

shadow: yep

patrick: man i just wanna apologize for all of the shit i talked. you didn't deserve that shit. im wishing you the best, shadow codwell

shadow: thank you, patrick (he goes in the store)

patrick: (evil laugh while the darth vader song plays)

(in blockbuster)

shadow: well, one week ill be gone. damn i'll miss this place. have fun staying open then the vhs is obsolete.

benjamin: yeah yeah. i need patrick (runs to patrick outside)

patrick: what asshole ?

benjamin: patrick, how can i forgot about the foul evil deed i had done

patrick: oh my god, you killed bad people! grow some balls. youre actually a woman

benjamin: just tell me how i can be normal at the party tonight. pause the guilt

patrick: i'll be picking you up before the party and we'll get this done

benjamin: thank you patrick

(the crew out back smoking weed)

shadow: these times are almost up. think of all the weed smoked back here

chris: pounds and pounds man

amanda: how much exactly do you think?

spongebob: well we bought a half ounce here every week

shadow: we've been working here for about 10 months

amanda: a pound and a quarter

chris: damnnnn

spongebob: crazy fucking shit

shadow: think of all the conversations we've had

amanda: many topics have been covered

chris: god fucking many

shadow: like when we used to talk about world war 2 that month we binged those ww2 documentaries

spongebob: talkin about how the devils are kickin ass

chris: that team is full of scrappy boys. 2 words; ken danyeko

spongebob: mike emerick dramatically saying "rang off the crossbar!" in the second OT of game 7

chris: he would've said "ohhh what a save by brodeur"

shadow: i'll miss new jersey's team. i'll miss that good bagel place on 46. i'll miss blockbuster. this chapter of my life wasn't all bad, ill maybe even look back at some parts fondly. aside from the depression, blockbuster was mostly positive

spongebob: one of the best moments was when we turned the place into a pizzeria the week benjamin worked at best buy

chris: that was classic

amanda: how did that even happen?

spongebob: it was patrick.

chris: wow

amanda: it wasn't a long time ago when he was cool. he was cool in july...in august he was douchey, in september he was douchey and moody and october on...morally reprehensible

spongebob: that's a great point. (looks at the camera) by the way, i wanna use this 4th wall break to tell the audience to understand patrick's character isn't one to be admired. the spongebob and patrick do blockbuster team is aware of the reception patrick has been getting this season and most of it is misinterpreted. patrick is no bad ass and you don't want to be him. okay, now that we got that out of the way, enjoy the last 2 episodes of the season.

shadow: let's not waste breath on him any longer.

spongebob: let's waste breath on weed

amanda: how many heads are pulling up, shadow?

shadow: a whole bunch. old friends, new friends, hell i even invited that guy who hangs out behind the 7/11

amanda: is...the patrick coming

shadow: if he does i'll live

spongebob: yeah. pretty soon we'll knock some sense into him

(patrick and benjamin hanging out at the walmart parking lot, parked and hanging on the hood of the truck)

benjamin: what are we doing at walmart?

patrick: (takes a 6 pack of budweiser out of his backpack) grab a beer (hands him one) doesn't get much better than this

benjamin: i dont drink

patrick: you said you wanted to numb your pain right? then drink a beer, mr. vagina

benjamin: okay (opens it and takes a sip) yuck. why are we at walmart?

patrick: cuz, look at those mountains on the side of 23. you can get lost in them. it's one of those places you go when, well when you're not wanted at home. as sad as that is, that place for me is a walmart on 23 north

benjamin: damn

patrick: you can live a whole life here while killing a 6 pack. like that episode of star trek tng where captain picard gets stunned by that ship and lived a whole life in his head while he was knocked out. he played that flute in his inner life and beautifully played it in his actual life. i think of that episode as a decent metaphor for my life. when captain picard in his inner life says "i always believed that I didn't need children to complete my life. now I couldn't imagine life without them" i gain some hope that having a kid and being a father will be alright. like it's meant to happen

benjamin: you're gonna be a father

patrick: well, i really hope the girl i knocked up gains some sense and aborts it or at least smoke, drink and do a lot of drugs and hope for the best. story of how i completely fucked up my life by age 20. i'm fucking 20. mother fuckin 20. explain to me why im like this? whatever (chugs his beer then pops some pain killers)

benjamin: wow that's uh, that's bad

patrick: ya do what yah gotta do. my whole family is nothing but trash, felons, addicts and assholes. what's your family like?

benjamin: well, i was mostly ignored while amanda was paid attention to cuz she was cool and i was weird

patrick: ha fuck you

benjamin: thanks patrick

patrick: nah im sorry. i like you dude, im just a fucked up person and i treat people bad. i was neglected too man and i guarantee it was a lot worse than you had it

benjamin: and thas why we why what we are t-today

patrick: i didn't learn right or wrong from mom and dad but here i am now

benjamin: i can relate to that i think

patrick: nothing but a lot of fucking pressure to be better than the assholes who raised you

benjamin: you're speaking some sense

patrick: yah know what, you and me, we're not so different

benjamin: fuck it your right (takes gulp of beer) we're like 2 sides of the same coin

patrick: yeah, we wouldn't exist without each other.

benjamin: (chugs the beer. crushes it on his head, throws it and burps) yep

patrick: mhmm. this is the best it gets. hangin on the hood of my 1979 ford f150, drinking budweiser and spitting dip. hey man, im so broke. should we make some money?

benjamin: how?

voice in patrick's head talking to him: rob people. be bad. do that. do that. do that. do that

patrick: yah see those people? ill pull my gun on them and take their wallets (.)

benjamin: what? (chugs his beer)

patrick: im gonna do that (he grabs his gun and starts walking) hey, are you interested in donating to charity for poor people

person: uhhh

patrick: (points gun at them) cuz im poor

person 2: woah take it easy guy

patrick: (cocks the gun)

(they both bug out and patrick hands them the wallets and they run)

voice in patrick's head: you did good. that was so cool, dude. you are sick

(he walks back to the truck with the peoples stuff from walmart)

patrick: that was awesome. people who say life is hard clearly haven't taken the cool/easy way like i do. but i work too. it's not like i don't do that. but still, doing that is easier

benjamin: should we go to shadows party?

patrick: i guess

(shadows party. people present: spongebob, amanda, chris, mr. krabs, chad, plankton, squilliam, mac, kim, jeff, larry, kevin, don, evelyn, jake, archibald, jim and squidward)

(jim talking to shadow)

jim: the shadow is finally leaving

shadow: yep. for the 80th time this week i'll say its time

jim: im happy for you. im sorry it didn't work out with you loitering in jazztel

shadow: people escape their misery in such odd ways

larry: yeah, right after that, we met shadow

evelyn: and had the greatest summer of all time

don: summer of 97 will live in my heart forever

shadow: that makes me incredibly happy

spongebob: yep. so many good times

jake: remember that baseball game? that was great, just a random pickup baseball game in the summer, just classic fun

shadow: this town is crazy...it has a crazy way of keeping you here.

kevin: stuff like that is what does it

(patrick and benjamin come in)

patrick: parties here !

shadow: oh hey patrick

(patrick notices the big jar of weed and packs a bowl)

patrick: one last time

(kim, mr. krabs and plankton talking)

kim: you guys definitely have to come on tour this summer, do whip its with jack white

krabs: absolutely. we need that, we just went through some shit

(patrick barges in)

patrick: what's up assholes. hey, the alcoholic crab, the virgin plankton and kim

plankton; hey patrick. i haven't seen you at the bikini bottom republicans club

patrick: yeah, since it's at 6, im usually too blacked out to make it. i always make an attempt though. i always end up in dumpsters or at the white castle in clifton

kim: what's the difference ?

patrick: yo check this out (shows his bart simpson tattoo)

(they all look disgusted)

patrick: i know its so sick

(the camera points to larry)

larry: (taps a whine glass with a fork) hey everyone, gather around (they gather around the living room) now that shadow is leaving, im gonna play the part of one his favorites (he puts my bloody valentines loveless in and plays a little bit of sometimes) beautiful. anyone care to say a few words

(the camera shows everyone looking awkward)

spongebob: ill say that shadow is one of the few good ones and i'll miss the shit out of him

patrick: pshh

chris: he was the coolest

patrick: yeah ok

don: he helped me through a lot of shit

patrick: haha

larry: you have any words, patrick?

patrick: yeah. i do. are we all sitting here pretending this whole thing isn't ridiculous? this guy is a bummer and he hates poor people. he's gonna be the same miserable, immature little pretentious prick he's always been, but in his dumb loser liberal mind moving to the desert will somehow change that. i'm goin out for a cig (goes outside)

(awkward silence)

benjamin: yah know, if you really think about it shadow will be here always. his impact on us will remain...he's like this guy that left a lot of influence on all of us. like how spongebob smokes camels cuz of his. he used to smoke marlboros

(the camera shows spongebob approach patrick while benjamin continues rambling)

spongebob: wanna step out?

shadow: yep i have some final words for patrick (they go outside)

spongebob: what the fuck was that?

patrick: the truth

shadow: you really had to ruin my party did you

patrick: oh yeah i forgot the truth pisses you off. because that's what idiots like you suffer from. liberals. losers. fuck you, dick boy

(spongebobs angry face)

spongebob: you ignorant piece of shit! youre unbelievable, would you care to hear the truth? you're an evil scumbag who kills the mood any chance you get. you think of yourself as great but you're a loser! i don't care, i'm not gonna over look anything. you're a loser, an ignorant asshole, a waste of space, violent for no reason and just a typical starfish

patrick: what did you say?

spongebob: you dirty starfish, fuckin asteroidea

(patrick punches spongebob and they start fighting. it's pretty evenly matched. unfortunately, a cop is parked near them and he comes out)

cop: hey! (breaks it up) what the fuck is this?

spongebob: this guy is crazy and should be in jail

patrick: i'll show you crazy (slaps the cop)

cop:(grabs patrick and cuff him) you crazy mother fucker!

patrick; you fuck you, pig. you think you're a big guy huh? cuffing me huh? how's that testosterone boost, chump? (puts patrick in the car and drives off)

shadow: i guess we can go inside now

(inside)

benjamin: so yeah, in a way shadow changed all of us, even if it is in subtle ways cuz they all add up

shadow: well patrick got arrested

benjamin: noooo it was me. i also was involved in the tony soclamo murder. i pulled the trigger. it was me. me! (cries and runs outside)

(awkward silence)

jim: well, there's some desert in the kitchen. some tiramisu, cheesecake and some items from our pastry chief eduardo. all from my and squidwards restaurant jazztel

(everyone carries on with friendly banter and drinking)

amanda: well i guess we have fun now

shadow: that we will

(a musical sequence of everyone signing and dancing along to the safety dance)


	16. Fin

On Thu, Dec 5, 2019 at 6:40 PM Kevin Meyer meyerk9@mail. wrote:

sponegbob patrick do blockbuster season 3 episode 14 "patricks golden shower"  
(black screen: "kids these days...but i can't blame them, what else  
are they gonna do?"-spongebob)  
(patrick wakes up in the morning and goes for the bathroom. the door is locked)  
patrick; come on spongebob, i have to pee really bad  
spongebob: just give me a minute  
patrick: come on (knocks)  
sponegbob: dude fucking wait  
patrick: fuck. (holding his dick) ahhh ohhhhhhh (takes out his dick  
and starts peeing on the wall)  
sponegbob: (walks out) ok it's yours...what the fuck?  
patrick: (moves his body towards spongebob mid piss and pees on him)  
spongebob: awww dude what the fuck  
patrick: sorry. maybe if your prince charming ass didn't take 5 years  
in the bathroom i wouldn't have to act this fucking barbaric. other  
people live here ya know  
sponegbob: dude i came out 30 seconds after you knocked. fucking clean it  
patrick: (goes to the kitchen and grabs a single paper towel and  
places it on the piss puddle) there. clean  
sponegbob: are you fucking serious?  
patrick: ugh fine (grabs a mop and a little soap and cleans it) wanna  
hit the bagel guru before work?  
spongebob: sure  
patrick: yeah dude. devs gotta end the series tonight. that overtime  
loss was fucking heartbreaking. especially when the camera showed  
scott stevens just sitting on the ice after the stars scored, just  
totally broken  
(sack at the farm talking to forest)  
sack: yep. everyone's buying now. we've really turned this farm around  
forest: yeah...so much money. more than i've ever had  
sack: i can say the same..ya wanna go to the bagel guru before we  
start for some taylor ham sandwich's?  
forest: nah. i'll stay and kill some snails and beetles  
sack: good idea. i'll bring you back something  
(sack goes to his truck and leaves and forest uses pesticides on the crops)  
(sponegbob, chris, amanda, jade and patrick having a cigarette before  
their shifts)  
patrick: it was cool seeing sack at the bagel guru  
amanda: hows he doing  
spongebob: actually pretty well. not like when he lived with me, like  
another person i know  
patrick: oh my god i literally cleaned the fucking pee  
spongebob: you fucking peed on me!  
patrick: ugh youre actually filled with estrogen. fuck this. im gonna  
smoke around people who actually respect me. oh wait, no one respects  
me! okay, guess that means i have to smoke alone. (goes)  
jade: damn. what the fuck  
spongebob: i guess i have to go to. devils later tho  
amanda: fuckin hyped  
(patrick smoking in his truck jamming out to break stuff by limp bizkit)  
patrick: but you wanna justify ripping someone's head off  
(spongebob cleaning balls from the course with mohammad )  
mohammad: so that was something at that party, baba  
spongebob: sad is what it was. poor greg jr  
mohammad: that kid is a nightmare  
spongebob: well i barley know him  
(kendall starts walking towards them)  
mohammad: my gut tells me she isn't coming for me. see you baba (mozys off)  
kendall: (approaches spongebob) wanna hit the smokers spot?  
spongebob: yeah. mohammad's got it over here  
: (they start walking  
kendall: greg jr is going crazy  
sponegbob: what's he up to?  
kendall: well he got a poster of eric harris  
spongebob: who?  
kendall: one of the kids involved with that colorado school shooting last year  
spongebob: they sell posters of him?  
kendall: nah, im just breaking your balls. but he has been going crazy  
spongebob: how?  
kendall: well, he got a che guevara shirt, not knowing anything about him  
spongebob: well that's not too bad. a lot of people rep him for some reason  
kendall: well i'm just worried. i remember when greg and josie made me  
go crazy when i was his age  
spongebob: it's just angst. cobain invented it  
kendall: who?  
spongebob: really? ya know, nirvana? totally our time  
kendall: oh yeah. i have the album with the angel on the cover. it's  
better than the naked baby. ha again, just breaking your balls. i'm  
familiar with kurt and the 3 albums nirvana did.  
spongebob: in utero is excellent. what time is it?  
kendall: last i checked like 11:45  
sponegbob: word  
kendall: so that guy i was with  
spongebob: yeah i'm sorry for even asking. it's not like this is  
anything, it was selfish of me  
kendall: it's ok. it was adam steinbergs son. he had me a little  
charmed but he just kept getting douchier. not like you  
sponegbob: oh...uhh yeah. uhh  
kendall: can't take a compliment?  
spongebob: so it's almost noon. wanna get a drink?  
kendall: yeah. this flask needs some refilling  
(they go)  
(forest laying on the farm with his pesticides smoking weed)  
sack: forest, i got you a croissant (sees him laying near pesticides)  
forest? are those pesticides!  
forest: what...no  
sack: yes they are. that tank says poison and has a skull  
forest: ok it is. this is how we do it  
(rain and grace come)  
rain: oh my god  
grace: what are you doing forest?  
forest: sorry. but this is how we do it around here okay?  
rain: no actually  
forest: none of this damn hippy shit works. i wasted my life on this path  
sack: i think you should go  
forest: me too. good luck succeeding without pesticides  
sack: get outta here, git !  
(he leaves)  
sack: i can't believe this  
rain: me neither. what do we do?  
sack: all we can do is work.  
(at the bar)  
spongebob: ya know, sometimes enough is enough. he just keeps pissing  
me off, i don't know what to do. he could've just ran outside to pee  
but he did it in my hallway !  
jade: dude just kick him out  
spongebob: it's not that easy. i can't just kick out my best friend  
amanda: well your best friend is crazy  
sponegbob: yeah. i'm aware  
kendall: if greg didn't exist you'd be sleeping at my house  
amanda: and just letting patrick live in the place spongebob rents?  
spongebob: dammit. that reminds me i need to pay rent. i'm so broke man.  
jade: i feel  
(greg comes)  
greg: oh. a site i love seeing, my daughter back here with the sponge  
spongebob: hey mr. rosen  
greg: and he still has no backbone  
amanda: well yeah he's a sponge  
spongebob: invertebrate dude  
greg: it was a metaphor you smart ass.  
kendall: what do you want dad?  
greg: first i want my bank account to not get drained by you and  
second i'm lookin for my son  
kendall: like he wants to see you. why the fuck did you punch philly?  
greg: he tried to fuck your mother  
kendall: hey was consulting her after you were being a dick. plus you  
know he said he never wanted to be with another woman after judy died  
greg: i fucking can't with you. when did i lose my kids (leaves)  
spongebob: oh my god  
kendall: i know. where is greg jr though. dammit  
(daisy walks in)  
daisy: heyyyyy. me and that lifeguard kim had some fun in the pool shed.  
amanda: what'd you do?  
daisy: got pussy  
amanda: oh are you lesbian?  
daisy: yeah  
amanda: huh  
daisy: what? there's nothing wrong with it  
amanda: i know it's just  
kendall: daisy was greg jr playing with aidan  
daisy: yeah. they said they were going to flatrock. they had a saw and  
spray paint  
kendall: what? why didn't you stop them?  
daisy: i don't know. i didn't really care  
kendall: fuck now we have to get them. can you drive spongebob.  
spongebob: yep  
daisy: again, without kendall rosen who shall i hangout with  
kendall: i don't know, daisy sanders. jade and amanda are cool  
jade: we are  
daisy: give me alcohol  
kendall: let's go spongebob  
(patrick and chris parking)  
patrick: yeah, sponegbob is really pissing me off. like i get that it  
was a dick move but he really had to show his estrogen with his  
response ? i don't think so  
chris: yeah. totally (sarcastic)  
patrick: so anyways, sponegbob literally insists upon himself  
(philly sanders comes by)  
philly: patrick star, there you are!  
patrick: wow eminem. im so fucking impressed and charmed by you  
philly: whats with the hostility?  
patrick: i see right through you, philly. you're nothing but a rich  
asshole, despite your quirks that's who you are. fuck this shift, ima  
chill. plot convenience jared knows what to do. see you guys at the  
devils party. the cup is coming, boys. (leaves)  
philly: well i guess i won't have patrick as my mule now (leaves)  
chris:...so jared, how are you  
(patrick driving)  
patrick: literally fuck life. neptune dammit it sucks.  
(stops at a gas station convenience store)  
patrick: carton of marlboro reds  
cashier: cash or card?  
patrick: i really don't wanna scare you cuz im feeling nice today.  
i'll take these for free  
cashier: well you have to pay sir  
patrick: technically. but since you're just a kid who's working here  
as a summer job i don't wanna have to point my gun at you so (grabs  
the carton) i'll be on my way out (leaves)  
(in his truck)  
patrick: literally what is there to do? actually nothing. wow life is  
so plain it sucks. (a shot of him driving to the song little furry  
things by dinosaur jr)  
(he stops in front of addiction tattoo and discreetly stares at jane  
through the window)  
patrick: psh. literally fuck that coke head. fuck that relationship.  
she's not even that hot...actually she is. omg her tits ugh. so  
firm, bouncy and pierced too. but you know what, fuck her. what's an  
epic prank i can pull? perhaps i can grab her coffee when she's in the  
other room, cum in it and watch her drink it? nah, she's swallowed my  
cum many times. eh, maybe i should just go home before spongebob kills  
my mood, cuz right now im just being a crazy guy talking to myself on  
a random side walk in paterson. huh there was that one the simpsons  
episode with the crazy michael jackson guy...at the end of that  
episode when he snapped out of it he said he was from paterson, new  
jersey. that's a cool little piece of trivia i know...ok, this isn't  
productive (he sees joey d...grrr  
(joey d walks out)  
patrick: hey piece of shit, she cheat yet?  
joey d: patrick? fuck are you doing here  
patrick: i was in the neighborhood  
joey d: and?  
patrick: i came here to fuck with you. but i'm actually gonna leave.  
bye prick (gets in his car and goes)  
(kendall and spongebob driving to the flatrock)  
kendall: can't believe i'm doing this. no one else is gonna do it.  
usually i wouldn't care if he went out, he is a kid and that's what  
they buy he's just been so angsty lately, who knows what he's gonna do  
spongebob: kids these days...but i can't blame them, what else are  
they gonna do?  
kendall: well its what happens to rosen kids. my brother was the worst  
of all though  
spongebob: what's he like?  
kendall: have you seen that new show malcolm in the middle?  
spongebob: had it on a few times when patrick and i were waiting for  
futurama king of the hill and the simpsons  
kendall: he's like francis except he's an alcoholic in ambiguous  
california. greg kicked him out a few years ago. that's the cycle.  
greg jr is on the first stage of the cycle  
spongebob: well, hes just fucking around  
kendall: i hope...thanks for helping out. you've been the bright spot of summer  
sponegbob: you too  
kendall: i can't wait to get out of here. im going to school in massachusetts  
spongebob: harvard?  
kendall: no silly. tufts  
sponegbob; fuck i missed the time (he does a k turn in the next lot)  
(they pull up to the flatrock)  
spongebob: (they get out of the car)  
kendall: where are they  
spongebob: i guess we have to search  
(they walk in)  
(patrick and chris hanging out at the pineapple)  
chris: i hope jared doesn't mind we left  
patrick: yeah. thanks for coming though. play me in madden 2000  
chris: word  
patrick: (turns it on and hookups the controllers)  
(diegetic sounds: EA sports, it's in the game)  
patrick: (gives a controller to chris)  
chris: ya mind if i smoke a little weed?  
patrick: do you really need it? i mean you're gonna smoke later  
chris: just a bowl now  
patrick: ugh fine. go in the kitchen  
(chris goes)  
patrick: so yeah. it's cool we've been chilling  
chris: (from the kitchen ) yeah dude. i'm sorry about everything  
patrick: eh its ok. didn't mean to bite your head off at the cliffs. i  
just am genuinely hurting over how unbelievably shitty life is  
chris: i hear (comes back)  
patrick: yeah dude. hmmm i think im gonna go with the patriots  
chris: i got the rams  
patrick: of course you pick the best team  
chris: well,this game came out before the season so kurt warner  
probably has a way lower rating than he should have  
patrick: oh yeah, but still marshall faulk...thats actually wild how  
kurt warner just kinda popped off out of nowhere this past season  
chris: yeah, no one expected it  
(in the game)  
chris: (pauses and goes to depth chart) okay, replacing trent green  
with kurt warner  
patrick: (looks at the patriots qb depth chart and hovers over tom  
brady) ha look how stupid this guy is  
chris: tom brady  
patrick: yeah, looks like some punk backup whos gonna be out of the  
league in a few years. so many of those guys in the league. i bet if i  
put him in over bledsoe ill still beat you  
chris: then do it  
patrick: ok here we go, the greatest game ever played commences  
(spongebob and kendall walking around the flatrock)  
kendall: greg jr! aidan!  
spongebob: literally no one is here...look to the right  
(2 kids from a distance. they approach)  
kendall: guys  
greg jr: kendall...howd you know we went here?  
kendall: daisy told me...what are you doing  
aidan: (destroys a portion of the rose field)  
spongebob: hey!  
kendall: greg jr why are you...(notices the cigarette hes smoking)  
greg! (slaps the cigarette out of his hand)  
greg jr: what the hell?  
spongebob: dude you shouldnt be smoking.  
greg jr: you guys smoke!  
kendall: doesnt mean you should  
greg jr: shut up u bitch  
spongebob: hey dont talk to your sister like that...or any girl for that matter  
greg jr: get out of here  
spongebob: ok, youre coming with me (grabs him and walks off)  
kendall: hey aidan  
aidan: what?  
kendall: i dont think philly would like what youre doing here  
aidan: hes not my dad  
kendall: well then i dont think james would care too much for this  
aidan: this is useless  
(spongebob and greg jr talking)  
spongebob: whats going on  
greg jr: my dad says youre poor  
spongebob: listen here you little shit, cut it the fuck out. i get  
your situation but can you tell me why youre so angry?  
greg jr: because everything is sucking now, my bar mitzvah was so  
embarrassing and im stuck at that stupid club all day  
spongebob: i get that. you should be able to go out but vandalizing a  
park and cigarettes? thats not it, greg jr  
greg jr: then what is?  
sponegbob: listen up, youre so fucking young. enjoy these next 5-6  
years, theyll be the best of your life. things may be falling apart  
now but you still have your youth. you cant act like this, you have to  
be good. what i can tell you is please enjoy your teens  
greg jr: (cries) everything is getting so sad  
sponegbob: (hugs him) its okay buddy  
(kendall gazes from a distance with a light smile on her face)  
(they walk to kendall)  
greg jr: im sorry kendall  
kendall: (hugs him)  
spongebob: anyone hungry?  
(fast forewards to them at the diner)  
spongebob: im gonna go to the bathroom  
kendall: me too  
(they walk there. as spongebob walks in the mens room kendall follows.  
she quickly closes and locks the door and starts making out with  
spongebob...there making out intensly and kendall is being very  
forewards. she pulls her and spongebobs pants down)  
sponegbob: i dont have a condom  
kendall: birth controll  
(a shot of them fucking in the stall)  
(patrick and chirs chilling. a shot of the madden screen. the score is  
tied at 28 with 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter)  
(its 3rd and 8, chris has the ball...the ball is snapped, kirt warner  
throws it to marshall faulk, hes trying to get the first down)  
chris: come one break the tackle  
(ty law tackles marshall faulk just behind the first down mark)  
patrick: fuck yeah!  
chris: dammit, faulk could so break a ty law tackle in real life. so unrealistic  
patrick: is he gonna go for it or trust the defense  
(hes goes for it)  
(its a qb sneak and the patriots stuff it)  
chris: fuck !  
patrick: yeah!!!  
(spongebob walks in)  
sponegbob: (with a light smile on his face) oh hey guys  
chris: hey spongebob  
patrick: oh its you.  
spongebob: chris, you trying to go to the devils party soon? game  
starts in an hour  
patrick: i wanna go  
spongebob: chris?  
chris: yeah i was gonna go home to get my brodeur jersey after this game  
(a shot of the screen. patrick rolls working the clock. there are 20  
seconds left)  
patrick: alright, one more first down and im in field goal range  
(the play starts, brady looks back to pass, the pocket collapses)  
patrick: fuck ! (rolls out at gets rid of it before he gets  
sacked...the pass is intercepted) fuck!  
chris: yeah! (the player has one man to beat...its brady)  
patrick: come on brady  
(chris breaks the tackle and goes to the endzone as time runs out)  
chris: yeah!!!!!!  
patrick: fuck, i shouldve thrown a screen pass...sigh nice game tho  
chris: so yeah, see ya spongebob. peace pat (goes)  
patrick: wanna chill in the tub before we go?patrick: what youre not talking to me? omg youre still fixated on the  
piss, wow you fucking girl. i already forgot about it but i guess  
thats what makes you a bitch  
spongebob: you really dont see it huh?  
patrick: what? i dont get it, i bought you a hot tub and got you to  
fuck jade that one time and this is how you react?  
spongebob: wow you really dont get it, huh?  
patrick: whats with the repetition? whats this, a 70s avant garde film  
about a guy that goes crazy?  
spongebob: do you know why im pissed at you?  
patrick: i mean yeah, i just think its a little unreasonable. i cleaned the pee  
spongebob: its not just that, you live here rent free!  
patrick: oh my god, i bought you a hot tub!  
spongebob: ahhhhh get out !  
patrick: psh ok  
spongebob: im kicking you out. i cant stand this  
patrick: i aint leaving  
spongebob: ahhhh (goes out for a cig)  
(the devils party. spongebob talking to kendall)  
spongebob: oh didnt think you were coming  
kendall: thanks a lot for helping me out today. you were great with greg jr  
spongebob: no problem. hes a lot easier to teach than my awful roomate.  
(the game starts. shots of every character individually as they watch)  
(2nd OT)  
spongebob: come on guys  
(marty makes a great save)  
patrick: marty marty! nice penelty kill  
(the faceoff before the goal. the slapshot from the point happens.  
elias in the corner. he dishes it to arnott)  
gary thorne: scoreeeeeeeeee the new jersey devils have won the stanley  
cup, jason arnott  
(the place erupts. shots of all the characters hugging. fast forewards  
to spongebob and kendall outisde smoking)  
kendall: i dont usually like sports but that was awesome  
spongebob: yeah im fucking hyped!  
kendall: alright. im gonna go home with daisy now. see yea tomorrow (she leaves)  
spongebob: bye  
(patrick amanda chris and jade come)  
patrick: dude i called this. i felt the team this year. i am so hyped!  
chris: you called it ?  
patrick: yeah...right before i almost killed shaodw i said "cup this  
year bro" and it happened. im nosferatu  
spongebob: its amazing how you just casually mention that  
patrick: welp. life experience  
spongebob: im out guys. see ya tomorrow (leaves)  
(patrick eventually gets to the pineapple. he tries to use his keys to  
get in but its not working)  
patrick: what the fuck?  
(he sees garbage bags and looks inside. its all of his shit)  
patrick: oh fuck...homeless again  
(it fades out as accident prone by jawbreakers plays


	17. Season 3 Episode 1

Get Outlook for iOS

* * *

**From:** Kevin Meyer kevinmey7  
**Sent:** Wednesday, March 4, 2020 1:24:17 PM  
**To:** Teoman Akil teoakil  
**Subject:** s3e1 edit

sponegbob & patrick do blockbuster season 3 episode 1 "junkies promise"

(spongebob, amanda, chris, and benjamin at blockbuster)

spongebob: (from a movie shelf) i've got like 5 boxes here, can someone give me a hand ?

amanda: (from the vending machine) im pretty backed up. stocking this machine with peanut allergy snacks

chris: (at the register. there's a line) someone, we need a hand at the other register

spongebob: (notices the line) ah dammit (goes over)

(benjamin in his office doing a job interview with someone)

benjamin: so, do you have what it takes to join the clamwoood turnpike blockbuster team?

jade: i can smoke weed out of an apple, is that enough?

benjamin: ohh uhhh hmmm...thinking about it my current staff does that and they're pretty good...okay, you're hired!

jade: awesome, what am i getting?

benjamin: we'll start you off at minimum wage

jade: hmmmm i dont know. that's a little light, ben

benjamin: it's benjamin...and ok, you'll get as much as everyone else

jade: awesome thanks ben!

benjamin: sigh. okay, you start tomorrow

(later in the shift. no one is in the store)

spongebob; damn, this whole being understaffed is so fucking tiring

chris: yeah, what gives benjamin?

amanda: we had to skip out pre 6pm rush smoke sesh. come on man. like yeah, i guess we're some kind of culture hub for morris county film buffs, but this is ridiculous!

benjamin: don't worry, we'll have a new worker tomorrow

spongebob; i don't even think that's enough. maybe if you didnt spend all day on the computer playing solitaire

benjamin: i also take care of finances, make orders and keep the place running

chris: oh shit someone is full of himself. but it makes sense, considering we never let you in any of our card games

spongebob: man, it's sure been quiet without patrick

amanda: if by quiet you mean peaceful, yeah

chris: yeah, ever since the occasional gun fire out back stopped, a lot of people aren't too scared to come here now

amanda: also there's actually mountain dew in the vending machine now

chris: not to mention his putrid smell no longer pollutes the store

amanda: yeah. patrick may create 2-3 funny moments a shift, but man it's nice not hearing him talk about how cool he is while also complaining about how much his life sucks

spongebob: well, i guess it's nice to not be startled by gun fire, and it's nice that someone isn't drinking all the mountain dew, and the smell isn't so bad either and yeah, patrick's monologues were pretty tiresome but this place doesn't feel right without all of that

chris: what about shadow? he was the one you really missed

sponegbob: well yeah, but it's different with patrick. i grew up with him

amanda: well, if he's crazy when he comes back from rehab, i want nothing to do with him

spongebob: come on, he can change himself. even tho some of the things that have come from his mouth were disgusting, maybe he'll realize that with a clear head

(customer comes in)

chris: looks like we got the last one of the night

customer: (approaches spongebob and gives him the movie for return)

spongebob: (talking to a customer) ohhh looks like you're a little late. sorry, ya know the fee

customer: are you kidding me? the 400 blows is a movie that has to be watched 4 times to truly understand. i couldn't do that all in a week, i've got a job!

chris: doing what?

customer: i review for the commoner

spongebob:...okay, 3 dollar late fee

customer: jean-pierre léaud doesn't deserve this

spongebob: wait a second...the 400 blows ...yeah i've heard of that

customer: it's a movie someone like you wouldn't understand (gets his card back and leaves)

spongebob: the 400 blows...huh, i guess it just sounds familiar

(the crew closing up)

sponegbob: so you guys wanna hit my house tonight?

amanda: yeah, im dying to smoke.

(patrick doing push-ups in his room. the song junkies promise by sonic youth plays)

patrick: (push-up) 4 (push-up) 5 (push-up) 6

(patrick hears door crack open)

patrick: (push-up) 97

(person comes in. patrick's roommate barry)

patrick: (push-up) 98 (push-up) 99 (push-up) 100 (gets up and stretches) ahh

barry: (southern accent) oh wow nice workout man

patrick: thanks. anything to keep the chase from the bottle, man

barry: you said it best brother.

patrick: man, the first 2 weeks here sucked. now i don't wanna leave, hell i might go through another self destructive path which is mostly predicated on drugs and alcohol so i can come back lol

barry: it's my 3rd time here and it'll be my last. you don't wanna be back here

patrick: yeah yeah. i know. im just scared of life after this detox. things are fucked up right now. good thing i am technically not a memeber of society because my spot there isn't one you want.

barry: patty, right now it's all about bettering yourself. when you get back, you go on a redemption tour

patrick: what's that?

barry: we'll talk later. come on, we got 45 minutes til the sun goes out, time to show it on the court.

patrick: fuck yeah. im the white larry bird

barry: uhh you're pink and larry bird was white

patrick: wow someone has no sense of humor...whatever. let's go to the court

(spongebob, judd nelson, amanda and chris at the pineapple)

spongebob: (passes the blunt) ahh good weed

amanda: i hope this new employee understands the blockbuster way

chris: i was thinking the same thing. what if we get a benjamin kiss up?

spongebob: think about it...why would someone ever wanna be a benjamin kiss up? even if they are stiff, no one in new jersey will ever look at benjamin after having a conversation with him and think "i wanna emulate this man. i must kiss his ass"

amanda: that's a great point.

judd nelson: you guys wanna watch the breakfast club?

sponegbob: i swear, you better not recite every line

judd nelson: i wont i won't

(spongebob puts the breakfast club in)

(the intro song plays as the scene shifts)

(patrick in an iso situation in basketball)

patrick: you want the sauce? (shakes his defender with a cross, does a half spin on the defender in the paint and brings it back and does a baby fadeaway and swishes it) ohhhhhh look at that game. i was allen iverson at the perimeter and hakeem olajuwon in the paint.

(checks it up he's like 6 feet behind the 3 point line)

patrick: watch this (shoots and swishes it) ohhhhhhh reggie miller in the 4th against the knicks ohhhhh

(mini cut. patrick at corner with the defender on him)

patrick: (rides the baseline and throws a no look pass to barry who misses the shot but patrick grabs the board and tosses it back in) ohhhhhh. damn in this short sequence, i showed flashes of allen iverson, hakeem olajuwon, magic johnson and dennis rodman. stop me

random patient: that was an over the back foul

patrick: psh call fouls like a little bitch

barry: patrick!

random patient: you boasting asshole (he shoves patrick. patrick decks him. a brawl in the rec area breaks)

(patrick sitting in the instructors office)

steve: what are you doing? what the hell was this?

patrick: he called fouls like a little bitch and he shoved me

steve: so you had to slam him?

patrick: yeah. what was i gonna do let him rag on my game?

steve: he's in the hospital.

patrick: good. i taught someone a lesson

steve: do you wanna get sober?

patrick: yeah, i don't need drugs. i'm already cool, i now realize that

steve: no more stunts like this. next time the cops will get involved

patrick: yeah im scared of cops.

(silence)

patrick: the sarcastic timbré in my voice implied that im not scared of cops. or you, you're kind of a twig boy who im assuming donated to the clinton campaign so yeah that says enough about you

steve: just be good patrick

patrick: alright. bye (leaves)

(patrick in the hallway. barry catches him)

barry: patrick, what the hell man?

patrick: what, dude i thought you'd be on my side on this one. you're the only person i've met who doesn't hate me in i dont know how long

barry: and anyone who likes you doesn't want to see you acting like that

patrick: acting like what?

barry: look man, i know what it's like to be an asteroidea

patrick: okay, brittle stereotypes are actually positive stereotypes. star fish stereotypes are that we're barbaric

barry: whatever. just listen to me, don't be a star fish stereotype

patrick: psh, i-

barry: shush. listen here, if you're acting like that here, you're doing nothing for yourself. this place ain't all about ditching the sauce and crank, it's also about being a better you. come on, we gotta hit the group session

patrick: ugh. those suck. just a whole bunch of assholes complaining. so much crying, it feels like vagina town in there (cringe noise) let's play dreamcast. ya know no one will be playing sonic adventure

barry: you're coming patrick (takes him by the wrist and walks)

(the next day in the store)

amanda: yo guys. let's burn before the new person comes

chris: good call. good call

spongebob: benjamin definitely hired someone stiff now that he has the power. still can't be a benjamin dick rider tho

(they go out back)

sponegbob: damn i got no rollie. bowl it is

amanda: i really hope it's not busy anymore. i kinda miss it being sparse

chris: yeah, no one puts shit in the tip jar anyways

sponegbob: if patrick was here he would be like (patrick impression) "ohh you really need those pennies and dimes, yeah keep your change while minimum wage workers serve you" or something

chris: i kinda do miss those quirks but hey at least no one is taking 5 hits per blunt turn

amanda: amen to that

spongebob: you guys just don't get it. it's sad that the old patrick is gone and will be forever

chris: oh i get it. but what are we gonna do?

(the new worker comes out back)

jade: busted

(sponegbob sees her and admires her as the song modern inventions by the submarines plays)

amanda: hey, ur the new worker right? you look like a stoner

jade: my favorite time of day is 4:20

spongebob: hey im spongebox...uhh i mean bob sponge...uhh i mean master of yellow

jade:...hey im jade

spongebob: and im sponegbob. yeah...where you from?

jade: boonton

spongebob: we're all bikini bottomites. yep. we saved this town ya know

jade: saved it?

spongebob; yep. from gentrification

jade: that's exactly what made me leave boonton. fucked up

spongebob: well we might not like rich hipsters from richfield park but we'll take any working class person who needs some lodging. that's the kind of hospitality we provide here in bikini bottom, new jersey

jade: someone likes this town

chris: it's home

jade: when do we go back to work?

amanda: it'll get busy at some point. for now we chill

jade: that's awesome. damn benjamin is so easy

amanda: i know. hes my brother

jade: ah, the stoopid sibling

spongebob: you're so fucking cute

jade: what?

spongebob: ohh i meant i have to fucking poop...doh! that's my homer simpson impression...gotta run (runs out)

jade: what's he on, heroin?

amanda: nope. i think i know what's up

(patrick in the group therapy thing)

patient: i just have so much i wanna say to the people back home but im not sure theyll even wanna see me after all ive done. (tearing) i know i deserve it but i just wanna make it right (cries)

group leader: i think thats something we all struggle with. it's ok. anyone else wanna share ?

other patient: when i was in the middle of my drug use i stole a thousand dollars from my best friend. she said she never wanted to hear from me again...how could've i been such a monster?

patrick: (smirking)

other patient; i once told my mom she was a sadistic cunt when i was on heroin. who was i?

patrick: (laughs a little) im sorry it's just

group leader: need to share anything

patrick: yeah...all of you druggies are so ridiculous. you really think that's being a monster? im poor and have to steal, cheat and lie to get by. even before i was a heavy drinker and user, i did that shit. i see a ton of faces here that definitely grew up in a house with 2 tvs, 2 bathrooms and a swimming pool with a slide and diving board...perhaps a brick smoker that is never used, but was frivolously bought and installed anyways. you're all weak if you think you were a monster. i've murdered people, hell, one time after a hockey game, my friends and i were all happy, talking and having a good time but i completely killed the mood when i shot one of our friends and nearly killed him. hell, i didn't even feel bad for it...still don't and i was even a dick to him after that. so before you say calling your mom a cunt is "evil" think about me robbing people for fun and stealing from charity events. fuck i need a cigarette. thank god they're allowed here (leaves. barry follows)

patrick: (smoking a cigarette) oh what is 2 time relapse guy gonna say to me now?

barry: (hugs patrick) i know you're frustrated. everyone knows. but im proud of you patrick. youve got a long way to go, but you're going all right.

patrick: wow. that actually made me feel good

barry: what do you say we throw off the rest of this and enjoy the empty hot tub and racquet ball courts?

patrick: hmmm yeah. that's my kinda way to get sober

(the crew at blockbuster all saying bye)

jade: by guys (leaves)

spongebob: bye!

amanda: spongebobs got a crush

spongebob; yeah i do

chris: how long has that dry spell been

spongebob: hmmm when did amanda move into that place by the bargain market ?

amanda: last year...

spongebob: oh

amanda: well, you've got a prospect.

spongebob: i was a total spazz. i felt so weak

chris: don't worry spongebob. we'll help you pull her.

amanda: alright then. i'll see you guys.

(spongebob drives home. he goes inside and feeds gary)

spongebob: ahhh. time for the nets game

(puts on the tv )

marv albert: stephon marbury and the nets come to san antonio to face the defending champions who are playing fantastic basketball with the phenomenal backcourt of dave robinson and tim duncan and the genius coaching of gregg popovich

(spongebob hears a car outside and turns his head. the door is knocked. he opens it)

sack: hey spongebobby...is it possible for me to stay here for a bit?

spongebob: oh my god...

sack: yeah it's been a while hasn't it

spongebob: what about jess and the kids in north carolina


	18. Season 3 Episode 2

sponegbob & patrick do blockbuster season 3 episode 2 "the ballad of billy sack"

(sack and sponegbob hanging out in the house)

sack: ohhh man the trip to florida was one to remember. me rusty and earl gaffed a gar. man, it was a dinosaur, must've been at least 95...thing was huge. it was quite a site, but we gotta let that dinosaur live in peace so we let it back after 5 minutes. ahh thats the life i want

spongebob: oh thats pretty cool...so anyways what's going on? why are you in new jersey. we all know north carolina is the place you want to be. your family is there

sack: like i said, i got booted

spongebob: so you couldnt stay with travis or brett?

sack: well, i needed to get away. i miss it here. it's a little intense over there

sponegbob: so your dream of having two sons with jess in north carolina came true and you flee here?

sack: i know i know. maybe 2 weeks

spongebob: ok. well, it's nice to see you but i have to go to work. ill be back at 9, perhaps we can chill with larry, jea-mollycoddle and chris later

sack: ohh yeah. that'd be good. where's my buddy patty boy?

spongebob: oh...well it's a long pretty fucked up story...actually it's a very fucked up story. but he's in rehab. damn those 3 months were so fucked up looking back

sack; oh

spongebob: yeah, i know. well im going to work

sack: oh, can you take me to mom and dales and pick me up when you get back

spongebob: ok. they're staying at this christian retirement community in wayne called sienna village. let's go, i gotta go 50 on hamburg to make it to work

(patrick and barry lifting on weights in the morning)

patrick: (barry spotting him) man i feel so good in the morning, so refreshing. i actually wake up not feeling like shit, not going for a glass of beer with an egg thrown in to kill my hangover. then a little heroin for the pain. i just need water, a piss and some cardio. maybe a shit especially after burrito wednesday

barry: it's nice isn't it?

patrick: really fuckin is

barry: are you ready to live the sober life? cuz i sure as hell am

patrick: ohh yeah. i can totally master it, similar to how i mastered Castlevania: Symphony of the Night for ps1

barry: it may seem easy now, but once you're out and life hits you, things change

patrick: yeah i am so fucking scared of that. like, since i was withdrawn from society it's like, the pressure that comes with it is just gone...don't gotta worry about everyone that hates me, not having a place to live, someone carrying my child. ya know? i love the idea of technically not being a member of society

barry: fuck yeah it's great, but that's why i'm expressing to you that along with your focus on getting sober, you need to get better as a person and grow here. my last 2 goes at rehab i didn't focus on that. i just came out the same asshole i was, except i didn't drink. for a year and a half at least. if you are the same asshole you were during your downfall after recovery, it's only a matter of time til that behavior leads you back to down to hole

patrick: (puts the weight down and sits on the bench for a sec) its gonna be so hard man. life out there is cold. in this facility it's free and relaxing. of corse i don't wanna get fucked up here. it's cool, yeah the people are gay but i don't have to work, the food is good, i can school people in basketball, soccer, dodgeball, kickball, racquet ball and horseshoes. im probably the best athlete huntington rehab center has ever seen. i am nothing in new jersey. im a loser from the infamous star family from bikini dunes trailer park. im the town drunk. ya know that trope character? they serve as a jester figure, a semi-comic proxy for the wise old man. He may disrupt public meetings, either for comic effect, or by dispensing what proves to be wisdom in a comical, yet serious tone. ive done shit like that. im that in bikini bottom. im like the king of this place, i can deck every asshole here. im totally the alpha here i can't leave

barry: patrick, youll come to learn this ain't a place you ever wanna be again.

patrick: i know but im just thinking about it, what am i gonna do when i get back? my role the past 6 or so years back home was hang out, drink beers and provide funny commentary with my witty remarks and interestingly funny takes on society. since im not technically a member of society here, i don't need to do that.

barry: when you get back it's one day at a time

patrick; i hear that but man, i love technically not being a member of society. it's cool.

barry: wouldn't everyone? yeah, but that isn't reality, pat

patrick: yeah. unfortunately. at least im getting jacked (flexes muscle) yeah, look at that beast. i can actually kick everyone's ass here

barry: bet i can still kick your ass

patrick: oh i bet you can. i'll actually admit that. it'll be a good fight though

barry: come on, spot me now

(steve comes) steve: patrick, we've heard a lot of complaints over you...you better not act up in group therapy today

patrick: or else what? are you gonna kick me out on the streets just so i can get a addicted again? my friend paid full price, prick. give me the service

steve: im just saying you can't act like that, there are people hurting in there

patrick: ok.

steve: please patrick

patrick: those people are literally vaginas. oh my god, i've owned wool caps that have bigger balls than them, so maybe you should consider that before you take their complaints seriously. im sorry but i tell it how it is and if they can't handle that well, thats a them problem

steve: just be good. or else no basketball

patrick: psh ok. what's gonna happen if i go on the court am i gonna die? ok piss off, let me and barry chill, i won't say shit in group today

steve: ohh well thanks...i guess

(spongebob dropping off sack at sienna village)

spongebob: they're in room 2112

sack: nooo way like rush man

spongebob: yeah, like rush. i'll see you

sack: thanks spongebobby. don't worry about getting me, i'll walk back (leaves)

(spongebob lights up a cigarette and drives. he's at the stop light on valley and notices jade at the bus stop)

spongebob: holy shit...(yells) hey jade, need a ride?

jade: (runs up to the car) yeah, if you're going to blockbuster

sponegbob: yep. the one in nova scotia

jade: (she gets in the car) someone's a ball breaker.

spongebob: yeah. i totally am

jade: i thought you lived in bikini bottom, what are you doing in wayne?

spongebob: well, my brother from north carolina made a random appearance and i took him to see my parents in sienna village so here we are

jade: so he came here all the way from north carolina?

spongebob: yeah, it is pretty weird. but i guess ill enjoy it, we're getting the whole squad back together tonight

jade: that's always nice

spongebob: yeah...ya wanna hang with us tonight?

jade: yeah...im not doing anything

spongebob: awesome. so do you take the bus to work?

jade: yeah. i dont have my drivers license

spongebob: you're not far from me, i can pick you up every morning

jade: oh really? nice, i can throw in for gas

spongebob: cool. these are gonna be some good mornings

jade: can i bum one of those?

spongebob: yeah, the pack is in the glove box

(sack knocks on the door 2112)

(spongebobs mom answers the door)

jill: oh my god, sack...is that you?

dale: honey, who is it?

sack: (enters) it's the baddest boy from the south

jill: what are you doing here?

sack: just a surprise visit. ya know

dale: hey billy !

sack: hey dale. why are you guys livin here, you ain't old

jill: well, we retired early.

dale: glad you caught us before our trip to texas

sack: oh...well i came here to ask for something...

dale: what is it?

sack: can i borrow...$2,000?

jill: woah...what do you need that for?

sack: uhhhh to get my house back...

dale: what are you talking about?

sack: yeah...jess and the kids are squatting at the house, they didn't know until jess found out last night. she said get the house back or never come back

jill: billy...

sack: yeah ma?

jill: we cant keep doing this. aren't you making any money?

sack: sometimes odd jobs ain't enough.

dale: are you saving it?

sack: uh, of course i am, who do you think i am? fuck you dale, you ain't my daddy and you never was. you think i can't save?

jill: sack don't talk to him like that...

dale: no i don't think you can save cuz if you could, you probably wouldnt be here right now.

sack: burn in hell, you dirty urchin

jill: sack!

(he turns around to leave)

jill: billy, wait

dale: just let him go

jill: hes never talked to anyone like that

dale: you're right, but i felt that since he moved in with us in 94. i just felt some odd tension

(patrick and barry in group therapy)

group leader: wow, that was intense daryl. we're here for you and so is sobriety. anyone else would like to share ?

patrick: yeah. i have some words. i've done heroin, opioids, coke, weed, shrooms, acid, and random poppers n shit. hell there was one month i took a shit ton of viagra cuz A: it made my dick look huge through my shorts B: i oddly liked the feeling of my dick being pressed by my pants and C: cuz i thought it was tylenol and only realized it wasn't after a month. so i think i know a thing or 2 about going crazy, daryl. damn, like i've never seen a room full of softies like this, softies that tell on me like that. thank neptune i have 22 days left...oh shit i have 22 days left...i'm gonna grab a coffee (runs out for a smoke. barry follows)

barry: again, patty?

patrick: yeah, i know. im pathetic. i can't even handle the fact that i have to go back to my life soon.

barry; i think it's time i teach you about your redemption tour

patrick: well, i guess it is. what do i do buy everyone fruit and flowers and say sorry?

barry: ohhh buddy. i tried that my first go around and nope. that ain't it

patrick: what do i do then?

barry: how old are you 28?

patrick: actually im 20. will be 21 a week after im out of here

barry: woah...you are a youngin.

patrick: what are you like 58?

barry: no...34...ok anyways, you're a young man, pat. the people you wronged are also prolly young. you don't exactly say sorry, you go and show them you're not looking for forgiveness. cuz from all of the things you told me, doesn't sound like you deserve it

patrick: that's not even half of it lol. why else do i have to do?

barry: just go in, be good, dont be a dick, continue and dont beg for forgiveness. i wish i had done that, cuz believe me, that behavior will lead you to the bottle again.

patrick: well i dont wanna be there. mountain dew and cigarettes are all i need

barry: that's it pat. you gotta be nicer to these people, even if you hate them. train for your life

patrick: yeah. ill enjoy not technically being a part of society for now. so...racquet ball?

barry: let's go

(the blockbuster squad doing their thing)

amanda: huh, no customers today

jade: (takes a bag out her bra) shall we?

(they go out back)

spongebob: you guys won't believe this, last night my brother came from north carolina.

chris: sack?

amanda: you have a brother?

spongebob: oh i guess i never told you, amanda. but yeah, his name is sack and he eloped to north carolina with his high school sweet heart

amanda: why did he come?

sponegbob: he said he got booted, even though he could've stayed with some friends, but who knows. you guys will meet him tonight

chris: cool. we chillin?

spongebob: yeah, larry, evelyn, don and jea-mollycoddle are coming tonight too. we're throwin down like it's 1995

amanda: awesome

chris; yeah i can come

sponegbob: jade, would you like to come?

jade: i don't know it feels like a close friend reunion

spongebob: not at all, come!

jade: all right. yeah, i'll come. can i get a ride?

spongebob: of course

chris: ya guys wanna roll another spliff?

(benjamin comes out)

benjamin: after you finish your pipe, come back in. we got some customers

jade: ahh we almost made it

(sack walking back)

sack; (sigh) i guess i only have one option

(he walks to the trailer park and knocks on a trailer)

randy: (patrick's brother) woah, sack how've you been!

sack: not so good, not gonna lie. that's why im here. you got any jobs where i can make quick money like old times

randy: hmm alright. i can use a hand tomorrow night. me and dusty are stealing some copper wire from this place in boonton

sack: ohh we've done that before. it'll be easy

randy: we're pros at it

sack: cool. when are you doing it?

randy: come here at 8 tomorrow, we'll drink a few beers and go

sack: ohhh i'll be there

randy: cool man

sack: ight. i gotta go back to spongebobs place. ya know, i was thinking about pushing a little h for henry b rollins. that's quick money

randy: oh dude he died. patrick killed him

sack: what? patty wouldn't kill someone

randy: funny. well, see you

sack: ight man. nice seein ya

(spongebob, chris, amanda, jade, judd nelson, larry, jea-mollycoddle, evelyn and larry at the pineapple)

jea-mollycoddle: yeah, doing swim therapy is so rewarding.

chris: that was a sweet story

amanda: yeah, i hated you in hated you in high school but that gave me some respect for you

(sack comes in)

sack: sackies here!

larry: oh my god, this was your surprise spongebob?

spongebob: yep

evelyn: what are you doing here?

sack: uhhh, just a visit

larry: someone needs a beer

sack: you know it! (larry tosses him one) oh how are you jea?

jea-mollycoddle: pretty good. i work as a swim therapist thanks to miss greenwood helping me find it

sack: ahhh what a great woman

larry: yeah she was the best

spongebob: actually yeah. she helped all of us at one point

sack: id marry her if i didn't love jess so much

jea-mollycoddle: she was there for me when no one else could be

sack: yeah...i heard your mom got clean tho

jea-mollycoddle: she was doing so good for a year. but you know how it is

spongebob: aww she started drinking again?

jea-mollycoddled: drinking, waking up with some unremembered lads that not again, yes

larry: was that a line from a edna st vincent millay poem?

jea-mollycoddle: yeah. nice ear

sack: so who's got the bong?

chris: packing it right now

(the episode fades out to the song saucer like by sonic youth)


	19. Season 3 Episode 3

sponegbob patrick do blockbuster season 3 episode 3 "patrick vs capitalism"

(sack and sponegbob hanging out at night after everyone left)

sack: man, i missed those crazy kids. im happy to be here, i love the garden state.

spongebob: i guess that explains why you're here

sack: yep. don't worry i won't be in your home too long

spongebob: don't worry man. i'm enjoying this. wanna get high and watch a movie?

sack: yeah, let's see what you got (goes over to the tapes) breakfast club, ferris bueller, rocky, fast times at ridgemont high

spongebob: people on ludes should not drive

sack: fuck it let's watch it (puts the tape in)

(patrick and barry eating lunch)

patrick: yeah dude, tool is fucking awesome. fuck i wish i had my tapes so we can rock out to them

barry: im into the older shit. sabbath, maiden, metallica. ya know

patrick: hmm slayer?

barry: hell yeah

patrick: awesome, that's our common music ground

(patrick notices a soda machine being installed)

patrick: mutant soda? what the fuck

barry: huh, they're only filled with them

(they walk over)

patrick: (to the guy installing it) what is this?

installer: what's it look like? im just doin my job i don't know

patrick: ok sorry asshole. huh, i guess i can go for a soda (puts a dollar in) (takes a sip) huh. it's like shitty mountain dew

barry: lemme try (tastes it) yuck. i don't need this

patrick: yeah, weird how it's here

barry: well, let's go back to the table before our soup gets cold

(steve in his office talking to the representative of the soda)

rep: so here's the deal, you sell out the fridge in a week, hang up the posters around and you get the cash

steve: how much we talkin?

rep: (writes it down and shows steve)

steve: woah...alright. that works

rep: i'll be back

(barry and patrick one v oneing)

patrick: check it

(patrick gets the check he does it behind the legs a legs a few times. dribbles up to the left does a hop step left, quickly goes right, completely breaks barry's ankles)

patrick: yooo fuck it. that's it. that is it right there. i don't even have to shoot cuz i just created the best highlight ever. where you at michael jordan, huh? where you fuckin at boy?

barry: (gets up) oh man. that is enough for me

patrick: can't take the heat? yeah, me and stephon marbury representing the state of new jersey as the leagues best back court for the nets

barry: you're crazy man

patrick: yep. that is why they call me the bad boy of bikini bottom

barry: really? what the hell man

patrick: ha im just kidding, idiot. wow you actually believe the stupidest shit

barry: damn pat chill out

patrick: come on im just breakin your balls.

barry: where'd you learn those moves?

patrick: i was born with them

barry: fair enough

patrick: (checks watch) oh shit, star trek tng is coming on in 5 minutes

(they run over to this lounge room with a tv)

patrick: (they're watching twin peaks and he changes the channel) star trek tng is on

random: we were watching that man (changes it back)

patrick: (sigh) laura was killed by her father cuz he was possessed by this guy named bob and he kills maddie too then he kills himself and james has a stupid plot line after that goes nowhere then this dude captures leo and there's this beauty contest and bob is there and this girl that dale cooper fucks gets taken by bob and he saves her and at the end it reveals that cooper was possessed by bob, end of the series (changes to tng) if you ask me, it's already dated after 8 years. this show is classic

barry; (notices a mutant soda poster) woah, look over there pat

patrick: (notices it) huh, who put that up?

barry: i don't know man.

patrick: (notices a lot of people drinking mutant soda) that shit is literally ass. why do people fucking drink it? the taste is literally akin to my piss after asparagus which i love drinking, yummy.!

barry: ew don't tell me you tried

patrick: oh my god, don't you understand by now that irony is a huge part of my sense of humor? whatever, never mind but im feeling like things aren't as they seem around here. we gotta get to the bottom of this. ohhh this is a good ass episode tho, after the scene where picard totally rags on his brother we commence our expedition to the bottom of this

(sack hanging out in the living room while spongebob is about to leave for work)

spongebob: alright sack, i'll see ya. what are you gonna do today?

sack: go down to matthews, say hi to tony. ya know

spongebob: ok. bye (leaves)

(the phone rings)

sack: yo

randy: hey sack, change of plans. come over right now, we're gonna bang this out in the morning

sack: ight. gimme 15

(spongebob driving with jade)

jade: you guys go hard

spongebob: oh you fucking know it

jade: i guess i do

spongebob: we've been going down like that since 1994. yep. 1994

jade: nice to be accepted by a close group. nice nets windbreaker by the way

spongebob: oh you like new jersey's team?

jade: as bad as they are, im watching every game

spongebob: marbury, kittles and van horn is the nba's next great trio.

jade: if they can bump up those field goal percentages yeah

spongebob: ya know what, i have a surprise and it's gonna require being a little late to work

jade: uhhh ok

(steve in his office on the phone)

steve: we met the quota in an afternoon!

rep: very good. and the posters?

steve: yep. they're all hung up

rep: next we're gonna need you to play the cds we send. the mutant soda soundtrack, extreme music for a super soda

steve: will do

rep: excellent (hangs up)

patrick and barry barge in

patrick: hey asshole. what the fuck is going on in this place?

steve: what are you talking about?

patrick: cut the shit. mutant soda, what about it

steve: oh..well i really hoped no one would ask but we're partnered with them. we promote, they give us green

patrick: promote? oh, you mean advertise

steve: hey, we're just getting a little extra cash. this place needs it

patrick: oh yeah because treating recovering addicts who are healing like a demographic is totally the way to solve it. ok. this is the 1 percenter crap i hate. i knew you were a bitch but it has just come to my attention that you're an ultra bitch. we'll be back. i may technically not be a member of society but i still see bull shit where it's located

steve: well, we like to see you get involved patrick

patrick: may you feel a horrific pain in the region of your testicle area as the vehemence of my wrath absorbs every property of your being. (gives finger as he and barry leave)

patrick: well, i guess we school nerds at basketball for now

(sack and randy driving)

sack; this gonna be a piece of pie

randy: if you don't fuck it up yea

sack; ive been doing this for a long time buddy

randy: well dude i'm in jail all the time so it doesn't really bother me if i am there for a night.

sack: man if sponegbob finds out...

(they show up to the place)

sack: are you sure both you and me can do this?

randy: dude, if we were able to do it 6 years ago, we can do it now

sack: ight. let's get this over with

(they start packing one in the truck)

sack: these muscles still kickin

(they pack it up)

randy: nice to see those arms didn't turn into vaginas

(some guy comes out)

guy: this is private property, what are you doing?

randy: fuck

sack: randy i thought you said no one is at this lot on this time

guy: are you taking my wire?

(randy hops in the truck and drives off with the roll of wire)

sack: randy!!!!!

guy: (chases him)

sack: ahhh! (runs)

(the guy eventually catches up and tackles him)

(a cut to the police at the scene taking sack away)

sack: god dammit randy!

(cop puts sack in the car and drives off)

(patrick and barry walking to group therapy)

patrick: man all of these posters are so pissing me off

(random patient approaches)

patient: what are you talking about, it's paying for our new hot tub

patrick: we're literally being marketed to

patient: who cares ? ads are everywhere

patrick: oh yeah so they have to be in rehabs

patient: man who cares about a few posters and machines? don't you drink soda?

patrick: that isn't the point. the point is that they are targeting this soft drink or "super soda" (cringe noise) to recovering addicts, ie us. fuck you

barry: patrick come on

patient: whatever man

(in group therapy)

group leader: hello everyone. you are all doing incredibly well, before any of us speak, this group session is sponsored by mutant super soda, the official soft drink of the recovering addicts community (opens one up and takes a sip) ahh

patrick: oh my god are you actually serious? wow that is low. that is really fucking low. man, my mood was totally fine at this place and now it's all angry over the fucking ads for this stupid soda. ill be honest, most of the people here are stupid and probably will go back to drugs the second they leave because they're weak. brett's cool tho...i like garret too...vinny said something really funny once but he followed it up with bitchiness so not him...anyways, i digress. we can't keep letting this happen. we're here to heal and this energy soda or whatever the fuck it is is literally designed to get us addicted. oh my god it's so evil! you are all so incredibly stupid, i don't respect any of you. i'll be smoking in the basement in my metaphorical grave if anyone needs me

(barry follows)

barry: every session huh?

patrick: i've got a plan.

barry: what is it ?

(steve on the phone with the representative)

rep: so we do it tomorrow?

steve: yeah. it doesn't feel right though

rep: nonsense. we are all for helping addicts and if we can claim the name to this rehab center then we'll get more notoriety. this is a good thing for all parties involved.

steve: okay. i guess i can get used to mutant super soda rehab center

rep: great! tomorrow we'll announce it. we'll be there in the morning

(patrick and barry dressed in discreet robber clothing late at night)

barry: you ready?

patrick: let's go

(a montage of them removing every poster, taking every machine, destroying them outside and ripping up all of the merch and every strain of mutant soda)

patrick: fuck yeah. that rep will come and it's over

(the rep walking in the next morning)

rep: (notices the pile of muntat soda and mutant soda accessories) huh?

(patrick and barry waiting )

patrick: hey you looking for steve?

barry: he ain't here.

rep: oh?

patrick; yeah, come with me

(he takes him to a discreet corner outside)

patrick: listen to me, you are going to stop using addicts as a demographic and ruining the rehab, okay?

rep: no we have an agreement

barry: be quiet

patrick: you don't wanna see what i am capable of. so i suggest you walk on out of here and forget about this place and maybe learn some respect

rep: okay, i'm just gonna find steve

(patrick punches him and breaks his finger)

patrick: get out of here. never come back...(patrick aggressively kicks him in the nuts)

rep: awehwhhwhwe

patrick: (kicks him in the face) out of here! get the fuck out of here! (he runs off crying)

barry: awesome

patrick: yep. awesome

(patrick in steve's office)

patrick; so yeah, you better not expose us like that again cuz if you do, itll be you who feels my wrath

steve: (looks visibly scared)

patrick: alright. bye asshole

(sack in jail. he calls sponegbob)

spongebob: hello?

sack: hey

spongebob: oh sack where are you?

sack: i can explain...i'm at the town jail. can you bail me out?

spongebob: you've gotta be fucking kidding me

(spongebob driving sack back)

spongebob; unbelievable

sack: but i

spongebob: nope i am not having this again. not again. wow, you thought it was a good idea to steal with randy? you idiot

sack: oh you think you're high and mighty college flunk out mr. minimum wage job.

spongebob: oh fuck you...why are you really here sack ?

sack: jess found out we're losing the house and booted me. she said get the house back or never come back. are you happy? happy to here i'm a failure?

spongebob: you're just an idiot with unsustainable income. odd jobs? seriously get real

sack: at least i work with my hands. i see what you do

spongebob: you're pissing me off hard here

(they get back to the pineapple and get out of the car)

sponegbob: (in the yard) you better not pull it again

sack: oh hush it man

(spongebob looks mad and attacks sack)

spongebob: i am not a druggie and i grew since my downfall at penn state

(they fight as the episode fades out)


	20. Season 3 Episode 4

sponegbob patrick do blockbuster season 3 episode 4 "patrick graduates"

(sack and spongebob laying on the floor at the pineapple the morning after their fight. they both look like they took some hits)

sack: i'm sorry spongebob

spongebob: testosterone was just running a little high last night. i'm the sorry one

sack: apology accepted.

spongebob: but still. this situation is fucked up man. do something

sack: i tried and got arrested

spongebob: that's what you get for trusting randy star

sack: like i don't know that

spongebob: the stars just keep fucking us. fuck, patrick is getting out of rehab tomorrow. fuck man

sack: is he...staying here ?

spongebob: definitely. oh man i'm so scared. well im off to work

sack: don't worry bout me. i'll be here watching cable all day

spongebob: see ya (leaves)

(patrick and barry hanging out)

(chris, amanda and benjamin all at the store)

benjamin: hey guys, you mind making a run down to the bank for change?

chris: okay

amanda: (opens register) what do we need?

benjamin: hmm 25 dollars in quarters, 15 in dimes and 100 singles

amanda: ok (they both start walking out)

benjamin: we only really need 1 person to go

chris: it's ok i don't mind

amanda: yeah, we'll be right back (leaves)

benjamin: ha ok. yeah. yeah great

(spongebob jade driving to work)

spongebob: well sorry we couldn't do that yesterday

jade: it's cool. how's the bro?

spongebob: sigh i don't know. it's all fucked up right now. whatever life has been one big puzzle since patrick's downfall. oh shit he's coming back soon

jade: should i be excited to meet him?

spongebob: uhhhh nah. actually i have no idea what to expect. fuck it all. at least we're going to the nets game tomorrow

jade: to watch them lose

spongebob: barring any bull shit, yep. fuck ya wanna go to new york? or even better the mall?

jade: huh, don't we have to work?

spongebob: fuck that, come on!

jade: why would we go tho?

spongebob: cuz we can

jade: fuck it

spongebob: woooo! the fucking willowbrook mall!

(patrick and barry kickin it)

patrick: man im gonna really miss this place. i don't know how freedom will serve me but shit, i will dearly miss technically not being a member of society

barry: i'm back to the construction life after this

patrick: man im gonna miss you, dude. i can't believe i didn't have my camera cuz spongebob will never believe that i 100 percented sonic adventure in 34 minutes

barry: yeah man. me too. we learned a lot from each other.

patrick: yeah, that's the fucking truth. fuck dude, nyack isn't even far from me, i can get there in 30. we'll be chilling

barry: you know i'll be checking on you

patrick: yeah, you must cuz the second i'm out it's booze, h, poppers and weird sex. yummy!

barry: come on patrick. cut it

patrick: finally, barry tetermen sees the irony in my sense of humor. it only took yah 43 days

barry: what are you gonna do when you get out of here?

patrick: fuck someone. dammit i just remembered someone is carrying my child...im kinda fucked over that. dammit that sucks

barry: how will you deal with it?

patrick: i can't fuck up and that really sucks cuz i'm a star, which means i will fuck up. i just really hope i have a son, no way in hell im raising a daughter

barry: you may want a son but if it's a girl that comes out, that's it. you'll love the shit out of her

patrick: yeah, but from the sounds of it you definitely like your son more. i've never heard you cry over your daughter

barry: she's the tough one, i know not to worry too much about her. but brian...he needs me, that boy just ain't right

patrick: ha nice king of the hill reference

barry: what?

patrick: uhh ya know, the fox cartoon that depicts working class america with its subtle social commentary under the backdrop of a realistic right wing texas town. also its consistent themes of differing generations, with bobby who represents the open minded youth and hank who represents traditionalist boomers in a changing world very much so makes the shows main focal point, the father son story an interesting diversion. can't believe you haven't seen it, you talk about the simpsons a lot, which kinda serves as a foil to king of the hill

barry: huh. i guess i missed it. i'm usually out before the giants game ends. but i won't be anymore

patrick: that's the shit. yep. i'll be watching the steelers game without killing a 24 pack. really makes ya think

barry: about ?

patrick: how great beer is. i have a very deep appreciation for beer, still do. i come from a very blue collar new jersey suburb and pretty much by the age of 14 you're drinkin beers, smokin weed and doing some blue collared ass activity

barry: you can't be thinkin about that pat

patrick: or else what, i'll spontaneously combust ?

barry: come on be serious

patrick: sorry...it's just i can't be a member of society again. it really fucking sucks. i complained about my life in a shakespearean soliloquy all the time back home. and fuck, i'm doing it again...if there's one thing i hope i learned here, it's how to get through life sucking without giving shakespearean soliloquies to everyone. but the point is, i really hope i don't go back to the bottle when i can't figure things out.

barry: been there and it'll solve nothing. i know that now, i really hope you're one of the few that know that

patrick: drinking hasn't even crossed my mind. i'm just dreading going to work at the fucking video store. shit pay, shit customers and the manager defines the word woman

barry: where in morris county did you say you are?

patrick: bikini bottom

barry: that's close to wayne right?

patrick: yeah, im actually right on the border, near colfax ave

barry: i can help you get a job at my dads place

patrick: hm what kind of work?

barry: berry picking

patrick: what?

barry: it's the farm on black oak ridge road. he owns it and berries are its main source of income

patrick: and your name is barry. very funny, danny tanner...how much will i be making?

barry: anywhere from 15-20 an hour. maybe more

patrick: and can i eat the berries ?

barry: not too many

patrick: hmmm ok...yeah if it's feasible, sign me the fuck up.

barry: cool man.

patrick: that's actually funny. the concept of being a berry picker

barry: it ain't a bad gig

patrick: i've worked at shit holes so my standards aren't rlly that high. is your dad cool, like is he an old farmer guy that speaks in metaphors ?

barry: can't say he is. he's just a normal guy

patrick: will i have shenanigans with him the way i've had shenanigans with you?

barry; i can't say man

patrick: will me and him work together to stop the farm from being monetized ?

barry: you want the job or not?

patrick: oh my god, what do you think? yes

barry: calm down pat

patrick: i'm good i'm good. would you look at the time, 5 o'clock. which means there's a rerun of star trek tng on syfy.

barry: ya wanna go watch?

patrick; hmmm we may be able to snag the hot tubs while they're empty tho

barry: you make a good point

patrick: im gonna buy a hot tub when i get back. fuck it right?

barry: if ya got the dough

patrick: yeah yeah. hold on a sec, i need to make a call (walks over to the phone and dials

(benjamin picks up)

benjamin: hello, you've reached blockbuster in bikini bottom

patrick: hey, it sounds like a virgin is on the other end

benjamin: oh hey patrick

patrick: what's up man! im comin back soon to cause some ruckus. is boy sponegbob in the building

benjamin: nah he took off but i can talk

patrick: (hangs up) aight barry, let's hit the tub

(spongebob and jade leaving hot topic)

spongebob: who knew noses can be so erotic

jade: yeah even i was feeling steamy

spongebob: phallic noses

jade: (grabs spongebobs nose) like this one?

sponegbob: i can't breathe

jade: what should we do now?

spongebob: hmmm maybe if you let go of my nose i'll have a better idea of what we can do

jade: ok (she let goes)

spongebob: how about some sushi? we can splurge

jade: that was one weird retailer. that was one gross cashier. all of those piercings and shit

spongebob: yeah. why even get a foo fighters shirt if it means you have to walk into that place?

(benjamin alone at blockbuster)

benjamin: my workers are so mean...they don't show up, they leave, they disrespect me. why must this be my life? why ?

(mr. krabs and plankton come in)

krabs: hey benjamin

benjamin: hey eugene, sheldon

plankton: we're looking for the movie lucas

krabs: yeah, with corey haim and charlie sheen

benjamin: follow me (he leads them to the shelf with the movie)

krabs: does anyone work here?

benjamin: my staff only comes when they want to

krabs: oh i see. ya know, plankton and i have been unemployed for a few years now

benjamin: are you asking for a job?

plankton: if you're offering

benjamin: uhh ok, come on board

krabs: really?

benjamin: yeah. no workers are here

plankton: hell yeah this is gonna be awesome

(chris and amanda come back with slurpees )

chris: yeah, like i said, i just hope my mom doesn't kick me out

amanda: well if she does i have a couch

chris: woah what are krabs and plankton doing here?

benjamin: they're our new employees. did you guys get the change?

amanda: oh shit we forgot

benjamin: sigh okay. eugene, why don't you go on the run to the bank

amanda: (gives him the money)

krabs: let me guess, you want 25 dollars in quarters, 15 in dimes and 100 singles

benjamin: yep

krabs: alright (goes)

chris: fuckin kiss ass

amanda: yeah what the fuck

benjamin: just get back to work guys

(spongebob and jade back in bikini bottom in spongebobs car)

spongebob: man what a day

jade: yeah, definitely worth missing that shift. even if it was for some stupid american retail goth place

spongebob: absolutely

jade: should we go back

spongebob: fuck that. shift ends in an hour

jade: so benjamin really doesn't care?

spongebob: yeah. he does, but he won't fire us

jade: yeah. i can't get fired. im in tough shit at the moment.

sponegbob: damn sorry to hear that

spongebob pulls up to jades

spongebob: well, here's your stop

jade: oh derek is here

spongebob: who's that?

jade: this guy who keeps coming to our house to steal our change

spongebob: oh my god...that's terrible

jade: yeah

spongebob: anywhere else i can take you?

jade: i have a shack on the side of 23 but here is fine

spongebob: ah...wanna crash at my place ?

jade: sure

spongebob: awesome. tomorrow morning im getting my friend from rehab. i'll ask amanda to pick u up from my house to take you to work

jade: aight. sounds good

(closing time at blockbuster. amanda and chris watching krabs and plankton sweep)

chris: what are they even sweeping?

amanda: total kiss asses

chris: what are they even doing working here?

plankton: some people need money

chris: yeah i know idiot. how's that crappy restaurant of yours?

krabs: i live in the krusty krab. it's still going

chris: whatever. man this really sucks. let's smoke amanda

krabs; i'll come if you're offering

amanda: we're not (they go out back)

krabs: oh

plankton: don't worry about them

(they continue sweeping)

(spongebob and amanda watching family guy)

spongebob: this show kinda sucks.

jade: it really does but its oddly watchable

spongebob: and background noise

jade: to what?

spongebob: paying bills

jade: (grabs spongebobs nose) what about sex?

spongebob: yeah i guess you can say that

...

(they start making out and progress into sex)

(sack comes in the room)

sack: (locks eyes with spongebob as jade is riding his dick and gives a thumbs up and leaves)

(patrick and barry at group therapy)

group leader: anyone leaving tomorrow wanna say some final words

patrick: i will. and don't worry, it won't be mean. ya know, i learned a lot about myself these past days. since 14, i've been drunk or high everyday and pretty much lost all sight of reality. kinda like that short story, the yellow wallpaper by charlotte perkins stetson, where the woman grows delirious from that wallpaper, but i digress. what i'm trying to say is, my head feels clear and i am more capable of speaking to people in a healthy manner. i still have a shit ton to learn and i'll do my best to learn what needs to be learned. i'm ready for that, and to all of you, i'm sorry for being such a dick. i see that and wish everyone the best luck when they're back in society. i will not angrily storm out for a cigarette. i will sit here respectfully

group leader: we're proud of you patrick

patrick: wow...no ones ever said that to me before

barry: (hugs patrick)

(the next day patrick and barry hanging out outside waiting for their rides)

patrick: welp here we are. sobriety

barry: and damn happy about it

patrick: thanks so much

barry: for what?

patrick: believing in me when everyone else lost hope.

barry: hey man, you did the same for me

patrick: i'm nervous man. i don't even know how to approach everyone. amanda, chris, benjamin and my best friend sponegbob, who has every right to hate me

barry: you'll know.

patrick: will i though?

barry: yep. maybe a week ago you wouldn't have but now you will know

patrick: yeah i hope man

barry: in 2 days you'll be picking berries

patrick: yeah, i'm hyped actually

(sees spongebobs car from a distance)

patrick: there he is

barry: hug me man (they hug) enjoy the first day of your life

patrick: keep in touch

barry: you know i will

(patrick walks in spongebobs car)

sponegbob: hey dude

patrick: can we go to the bank?

spongebob: for what?

patrick: i wanna take out a loan for a hot tub. also can we install a hot tub on your back deck? it's on me

spongebob: uhhh back up...how was rehab

patrick: fuckin awesome. i literally feel amazing. im ready to be a member of society again. thanks so much spongebob. you didn't have to pay to send me here but you did. and that's why im buying you a hot tub. think about the babes

spongebob: yeah...(imagines him and jade in the hot tub) oh yeah

patrick: why you smiling?

spongebob: just happy

patrick: ok good i thought you were sad to see me but you're happy! ahhh. i was technically not a member of society

spongebob: oh yeah...that's why im happy

patrick: (puts in his minor threat cassette) check this shit

(the song straight edge by minor threat plays as they drive home


End file.
